April 28th – September 29th, 2016.
155 days. Zeros? A lot.
April 27, 2016 day 0. beautiful and special and crazy
At Scout and Frodo’s in San Diego feeling pretty good. Spoke to Tom on the phone and he of course made me feel wonderful. Called Biscuit and Kett. Felt good to be talking with my trail pals. There seem to be some good people out here so far, people I’ll enjoy being around. It is really hard to wrap my mind around my feelings. I’m excited and not excited. I just Am. Here. And there’s not where else I’d rather be, but there also isn’t the great sense of calm or “all is right with the world” in the same way there was last time. Less nerves. More acceptance that I will be walking every day. It feels slightly overwhelming in the same way when I think about it as a whole, but when I just think of it as living in the woods, it feels beautiful and special and crazy. I know I’ve don’t this before, and some of it feels very familiar – but it also feels like it didn’t really happen to me- like I just read about it in a book. I’ve been fiddling with my things all night all day and it feels like I’m forgetting something because no one’s going over it with me. It’s all on me to get her done and make the lists and make the moves. What will it be like to just call the shots and to not have Tom to help motivate me? Oh god. I’ll sleep in all of the time.
This is where I want to be right? Yeah. The pull was SO strong, the longing back in the winter. And there was an urgency with it- where I really wanted it now for fear I’d settle into a routine and not ever do it again. I was starting to feel pretty crappy the few weeks leading up to the hike. I gained like 6 pounds maybe in the last month and I feel pudgy and gross and clothes are uncomfortable again. Lesson learned. I will gain weight rapidly if I stop running everyday and eat what I want.
April 28, 2016 day 1. 20 miles by 3:30
I was so excited this morning I had a hard time eating. Then driving to the trail head had me crying because I felt so lucky to have the life I have. It felt good to be walking again. More peaceful. But I miss Tom like crazy. Without him here I find myself talking with other hikers more already. I really enjoy being around 2 of them and we are hiking out together tomorrow. Yves from France and D from Australia. Both lighthearted and pleasant. 20 miles by 3:30 today. It was cloudy so getting miles done was much easier. Felt pretty tired by the last 2 miles probably could have pushed myself to hike more but I don’t see the point in that yet. Also, I already feel like I don’t want to get too far ahead of my buddies. Its great starting off in better shape. There are a lot of memories flooding back. I keep expecting to see people from last year.
April 29, day 2. soak up all of the beauty
Lake Morena at mile 20 to mile 39.4
I’m camped at a spot Tom and I took a break at just before the end of our third day. I feel pretty good! My knee was really hurting midday about 9 miles in, as was my left foot and I got a little worried about it, that I was pushing too much. We (me and D and Yves with 3 others) stopped at the lovely little creek with pools surrounded by flat sheet rocks and took a 2-hour break. I napped in the sun, washed my socks, ate, got my hair and shirt wet, two ibuprofen. I was so relaxed and blissed out. After the break my knee quit screaming and I hiked the next 9.5 miles with relative ease. 20 miles a day feels like such a relaxed pace compared to how it felt at the end of last year racing the sun and climbing up and down massive mountains. I look at the hills and valleys around me and feel this need to soak up all of the beauty around me and somehow it will become a part of who I am and leave me feeling filled up and alive. I feel so much better when I’m doing things that push me physically. I don’t know why I ever let myself stop moving. It just leads to me being sad. There are a handful of people I feel good about out here all ready. Its nice to have pals. I’m not sure what will happen when I keep up bigger days, I may have to move in and out of groups for a but before I’m around the same steady crew for a while who knows. D and Yves are both adorable, positive, and troopers. I’m faster, but they are capable. Well see. It’ll be sad to move on, scary really, but I need to be able to let go when I know I’m capable of doing more. It’s great for now though.
April 30, day 3. mile 56 nothing to prove
Rolled into Mt Laguna at 8am and had a slow breakfast at the tavern. Got to talking with a few more hikers, and Jared, this American, was telling me all about this outdoor hiking org in Australia I could get a work visa and work there from Jan to July. It pays well and they train you! That is an idea to hold onto for sure. Today was beautiful. Hiked 16,5 miles from 11am to 530 and stopped at a really beautiful camp spot. My knees are hurting and so is my left foot, but its nothing alarming. Its been oddly cold. Yesterday the sun came out and felt really warm midday, but all 3 nights have been in the 40s or lower. I could have hiked more, but it made no sense. I have nothing to prove. The next camp site is ugly, and I like it here with these people.
May 1, day 4. takes a while to bond
21 miles hiked, at stagecoach RV
Got to the road at 6 pm, kind of unplanned, the miles went by fast, and grabbed a ride here because a shower sounded so nice. There’re at least 10 hikers here, a couple of girls that I’m drawn to. Really enjoying D’s company. He’s funny and lighthearted. Only had one small stretch today where I got lonesome for last years trail family. Reminding myself it takes a while to bond with people and new people are around every bend at this point. I didn’t expect to be hiking along with the same 2 guys from the start, but hey, its comforting. The weather was super mild today, which was awesome. This stretch in the heat would have killed me just like it did last year. Knees hurt. Foot’s not so bad. Almost walking into a swarm of hundreds of bees.
May 3
100 miles
Mid day 6 and this just happened 😊. Everything is beautiful and only my right knee hates me.
May 4, day 7. beds
Wow. How did a week on trail go by already? I’m lying in a bed in an RV at mikes place. This really strange trail angel house. At mile 127.3. I feel good. My knee flares up and calms down. My legs are restless right now. Tired. Should have written earlier when I wasn’t this tired.
May 7
Got hitch today from this gem- Terry. Trail pals for ever and ever #pct2015 meets #pct2016
May 10, day 13. feeling good, feeling settled
At Ziggy and the bear, mile 210ish and I feel great. My knees are totally holding up. I’m meeting lots of people and continually adding to the list of people I enjoy being around. Really enjoying Tough Guy, rambler, D, Pepe…not many girls keeping the same pace but I’m sure I’ll sync up with some eventually. We took 2 days off in Idyllwild waiting out some rain- which translates to snow up on San Jacinto. And after 2 days it felt really good to get out and start walking. The boys went up to the peak and I opted to stay on the PCT, which put me on the trail alone for the afternoon. It really did feel very different even though I knew they’d meet up eventually. I hiked through a thick fog for a few hours with only a 10-foot visibility. It was strangely quiet and lonely, but lonely in a way I didn’t mind too much. Maybe I didn’t mind it because I knew that I had friends that would eventually catch up with me. It’s freeing to hike solo but really, I’m already a part of a We. It’s nice to have people to look out for that are also looking out for you. Today D and I hiked- well slack packed- over to White Water Preserve and chilled in the shade and the river. Then caught a ride back to Ziggy’s with an off duty ranger. So, super relaxed. I feel good. My body has totally settled into hiking. D just said something stupid and wants me to write it, so I won’t forget the little things. He’s next to me on the couch, Pepe is to my left. Me and the mighty ducks. NTN just said “if I were any better, I’d be twins” he’s an older guy, speaks slowly, has hiked the pct.
Day 15 on the PCT
I remember how good listening to podcasts the second half of the day is. Sometimes the trail is hot and doesn’t feel interesting and podcasts help with that. I feel good. No real aches or pains. Still have a good amount of energy at the end of the day. Miss Tom something awful. He did make it really fun.
May 12, day 16. slow morning
I think one of my favorite things is a slow morning waking up to the sun. I love breaking camp slowly. Soaking in the comfort of my bag and hearing the birds, there is a time for a fast break, but I’ve been keeping a steady 3mph, so I still get into camp even with a later start. I like hiking in the early morning before its hot and smashing out most of the day before lunch, but I also love sitting still.
Been hiking and camping with D every night. So glad to have met him. So honest, so positive, such a trooper. Gives great hugs, too. We’ll hit the 300-mile mark today or tomorrow. I’ve only had one blister on the ball of my foot, and it’s given me very little grief. I’ve met a lot of other hikers, but haven’t really synced up with anyone besides D, Pepe, and Rambler. I see this old guy all of the time- I call him Break of Dawn Mike, hard of hearing, kind, goofball. We pass him almost everyday- he gets up and starts hiking at like 4am and then we inevitably find him sprawled out napping on the trail.
Once and a while I get freaked out that this is it- that I won’t bond with people like I did last year- that I wont meet the hilarious, progressive, kind hearted crew I did before and that there is no romance in the cards for me. Then I stop and tell myself it’s still so early. And if I forget to tell myself that this is it, 2 good pals and no big love for the trail people, no romance this summer- I move into wondering why I’m out here. If none of that is to come and I know it isn’t- would I continue to hike? Am I here for the trail? For what hiking all summer can show me or is that secondary to the community and dating opts? If it isn’t as fun without Tom, can I still find my groove- find a new reason to love and appreciate being here? Find a thrill in seeing what I can accomplish when driven by my own internal motivation my own goals? I like not having to wait on anyone. I like picking my own camp. I miss giggling and acting like a child with Tom though.
Another weird struggle recently is that I feel really old. There are a lot of young people on the trail, but that’s the same as last year- I just feel like I’m not seen as “one of the babes” on trail. I’m old. Cute maybe, but squinty eyed and not as tight. It’s strange to be feeling this way when I’m kicking ass and one of the fastest hikers in my bubble. I’m on it. I’m confident. I hike long and hard and my body is thriving. But I feel ugly. What in the hell??! Where is this coming from? It’s like all of these insecurities are just bleeding out. I don’t get it.
May 15
Found a most excellent camp site around mile 264 and enjoyed a PBJ with BBQ chips.
Not everyone likes using rocks to wipe their bum. Good thing Silverwood Lake had their bathrooms open.
The best thing about hiking the pct again is that I’m way better at taking time to swim in every Creek.
Day 16. water makes everything better
Sharing a tent with D- lack of flat spots to camp. What a good day. It felt so cruizy and nice. Slow morning start, walking by 8am. First break 8 miles later at Holman creek. Naked swim. 5 miles later a 2.5-hour break at splinters cabin swimming- more like lying in a creek, but so good. 3 miles later dinner with other hikers near the creek. 3 miles later again a flat spot on a ridge thank god. Water makes everything 100xs better. I really like D. He’s a good one. Still trailing behind Pepe. Haven’t connected with any girls really strongly yet but have been meeting a few that I’m drawn to, they just haven’t been around. Rambler is behind us. Tough Guy is ahead or behind, I don’t know. I miss Judd Steps silliness. And Eugene. Where my gaybees at? Met and talked with Dude Man and Danger Noodle- like them both because they wear really short shorts.
May 18, day 21. 3 weeks done
How? Wow. 3 weeks. Time is strange out here. I rarely know what day it is; it feels like I’ve been out here forever and also like I’ve just gotten out here.
Spent the day in Wrightwood yesterday. Hiked 10 miles in about 3 hours and rolled into town around 10:30 am. Then just chilled with hikers all day. Donuts and coffee at the bakery, shopping for resupply, drinks and pizza on the patio at the Yodler. Had fun chatting with DoNo- also the bar tender Rob was great and friendly. So fun chatting with locals. I’m so much more outgoing here than I am in Portland or anywhere really, not shy to strike up a conversation with strangers. Then had Mexican food with 5 cent margaritas and moved on over to karaoke where I totally slayed it with “welcome to the jungle.” We stayed at a beautiful women’s house with 15 other hikers on the floor. What a gem of a human.
The day before, day – well wait. So, day 18 we rolled into Cajon pass and had McDonalds. Oh WAIT! The day before- day 17 we spent half the day at deep creek hot springs, which was totally great. Met a few hikers I liked but they are moving slow, so we probably won’t see them. Hiked out of there (me and D, now called Roo) and ran into Coppertone and his ice cream floats. I was so excited. Night hiked on the road to get to Silverwood lake for camp and in the morning, I ended up in Roo’s tent snuggling for an hour, which then turned into kissing and yada yada. So, yay for that! We didn’t get moving until after 10am then got to McDonalds at 6pm. Too tired to consider hiking out up the mountain to camp so we got a room at the Best Western. I was disappointed there wasn’t any snuggle time that night and then started kicking myself for wanting more than what was being offered- which is also more than what I really want from him, anyway. It’s hard for me to not throw myself at guys once I’ve had a little bit of sweetness. Working on that. Anyway, next day hiked out of Cajon Pass and ended up camping at a place called Gobblers Nob- which had Roo in totally hysterics and there were many references to blowies. We still act like buds because that’s what we are and for me (and I’m sure him), it’s a little too much this early in the hike to get too focused on another person. I want to still feel like a solo hiker with hiking pals, not a unit.
At this point we are about 6 or 7 days ahead of where we were last year. I love walking all day. I’m eager to bond with other hikers. What to do when this is all done?
May 19, day 22. farting while we eat
at 7am.
Sitting at Little Jimmy Camp with Roo and Pepe, farting while we eat, watching chipmunks scurry around. And as good as this is, I miss Tom, Biscuit, Beaver, Kett, Judd Step, Terry, Eugene, Cold Bear, and some others so badly. It kind of hurts. It feels like they are out here because I run into memories of them every day, but they are somewhere else on trail and I can’t seem to catch up. When I meet new hikers, I compare them to the personality types from last year. Like oh this guy is the new Papa Kiwi to this girl might be this year’s Pie. I hope it starts to hurt less. It’s like they were first loves and I’m trying to move forward without them, trying to allow myself to fall in love again without comparing everyone to the ones I loved first.
Day 22 at 8:30pm
In my tent. Today felt hard. I didn’t sleep well last night, got sad this morning about my friends and cried pretty hard about it while hiking, felt tired and hot all day, and didn’t enjoy the trail, but I didn’t like this section much last year either.
May 24, day 27 @ Casa De Luna
Last 5 days were much better than the last one I wrote about. A few more days of hiking and we landed at the KOA for lunch. Got takeout Chinese food and hiked onto Augua Dulce knocking out 10 miles in just around 3 to 3.5 hours. No problem. Thank god for the cool temps. Totally exposed trail, some clouds, breeze.
Stayed at Hiker Heaven two nights taking a full zero there. They needed help with shuttles to REI, so I drove 6 hikes to REI mid-day in a massive truck then ran a few shuttles into town for people to grocery shop. It was fun to be a part of the helpers. I felt pretty cool wearing loaner clothes- a man’s pair of wranglers driving a massive stick shift truck around.
The miles melt away easily with these temps. I easily hike a 20-mile day before 6pm. Have had a couple of mornings where my feet felt a little swollen and my hips flair up here and there, but otherwise muscle memory has kicked in and I feel like my body likes walking all day. Seems like I’ve merged into a group now that we see every day. Dude Man, Danger Noodle, Chopper, and Tom (meh, going up). All guys. All nice, kindhearted, not too intense or stressed, all fit, fast hikers. Starting to recognize a regular bubble, too. We are at the beginning of this bubble but with all the recent stopping I’m starting to get more familiar with more people. I’m realizing the biggest thing for me out here besides the walking is the people. I really want to be surrounded by people I enjoy and can have fun with. The strongest connection I have is with Roo and I really hope I can keep my feelings of jealousy at bay because he is the only one I really really want to be around for the bulk of the trail. I feel good around him. I giggle. We banter well. And I guess I’m just flat out attracted to him. I’m jealous of younger cute girls he’s drawn to because I want to be younger so we could be compatible. I’m 9 years older than him. What 24-year-old would want to be with someone 9 years older? I do feel a little sad about it- that there is that gap. Here I am again interested in someone not available- not into me in that way. It really messes with how I see myself when a guy I’m attracted to is at a different place. I start to see myself as less and it’s just so messed up that I base my esteem on the type of attention I’m getting.
Hiked a 23-mile day out of Augua Dulce to Casa de Luna over a stretch that I remember wanting to murder me last year. Tried to go for a short cut up a drainage ditch in a saddle that had ropes to assist you up the steep bits- so it looked like a legit short cut, but after a technical scramble up, I couldn’t find a trail down the other side of the saddle so I had to backtrack, wasn’t irritated because it was kind of fun, it’s always fun to go off trail. That put me behind, so I trail ran the last mile. Pretty fun running down the trail.
The only thing about the trail that I stress about this time around is the people I’ll meet. The trail doesn’t worry me one bit, I worry about loving my hiking pals, about not having a fun fling. I guess I really would like some trailmance again. When I catch myself worrying, I calm myself down pretty quickly. Bonding takes time.
I’m going to start my period any minute and we are hiking through some pretty dry stretches. Periods in the desert are such a drag. I almost wish I still had my IUD in.
Been trying to slow up and take more off days to delay getting into the Sierra but I’m feeling pretty antsy about it today. Another zero day. Then 3-4 days of hiking and then I hit Mojave. Planned on doing a bunch of resupply shopping, but I’d be getting in on a Saturday and its Memorial Day weekend. Shit. So, I for sure need to chill there for 3 days so I can mail things from the post office. Or. Smash out some huge miles and get in a day earlier. If I do that I’ll be hiking on my own for a bit, which maybe would be good to get away from Roo so I can get over my attachment to him and make sure I’m not cramping his hike. I don’t think I am. We gravitate to one another and I know he likes my company. I’d just rather be the one doing the leaving. It sucked last year always having Kett ahead because I was always catching up to him and felt like I was just following him around…because I literally was! We were on the same footpath and he was ahead.
When I’m walking, I catch myself just mindlessly walking or thinking about nonsense. I’d really like to be more intentional about what I think about. What can I learn about myself about where I’m heading in life?
May 26
Well then, 500 in less than a month. I’d say things are going well!
Wowee! Heading down to the desert floor for a nice long walk in the sand.
May 28
I love hiking as the sun sets, especially with some pals.
Sunset hiking in the desert is really like one of the best things ever.
Sometimes ya just don’t want to set up tents so you find a spot out of the wind and fall asleep looking at the stars and giggling with each other.
May 30th
Rollin in the resupply like a winner. #pct2016 #ballin #thisishowitsdone #snacktime
June 4th, day 38. cowboy at walker pass
Hike 27 miles yesterday through the hot hot heat, sand pits, and Joshua trees and felt super proud of myself. It was hard hiking in the heat and sand, and I was super tired come 20 miles, but then I just decided to push onto walker pass and did 7.5 miles in 2 hours. So good. Cowboy camping a lot. A mouse was on my head in the middle of the night.
Things be gettin real hot up in here! Hiking the #pct ain’t always easy!
Final days of desert walking, best time is as the sun is setting.
@motel 6 in Ridgecrest
I’d like to write something from each day, just a sentence everyday but I get so lazy at the end of the day. It feels like work. There are a lot of people around me writing about each day and I like the idea of being able to look back at a daily account of everyday, but I just don’t stick with it. I had big plans of keeping track of my spending and that’s already gone to hell. Been cowboy camping a lot. Seems silly to set up a tent when its not going to rain. I’d be too afraid if I were alone but there’s been a lot of us camping together.
Recently I’ve been hiking around and with General Burnsides (totally have a huge crush on him) Roo, Rambler, Cheesy Bear, Tarzan, and Danger Noodle. The temps were super-hot, so we’ve been hiking early and late more since the aqueduct. I hitched by myself at Willow Springs road. Was slightly nervous, but I got a good ride with a younger married couple and it felt really safe. The hike out of Casa de Luna was super fun. Roo and I hitched the road walk (fire closure) and had my speaker going so we were dancing a lot. Stopped at the Rock Inn and had burgers with some hikers I don’t know super well then, some others showed up that I know. Hitched again, got a ride from this super sweet older lady with a big mole and a true sweetness about her up to the trail then when we walked 3 miles in, we came across a camp with a ton of trail magic happening. Keg. Grill. Food. Booze. Fire. BB guns. Hit the 500 mile mark the next day and rolled into hiker town after a 19-mile hike. Got to chat with the o-so-cute Burnsides a lot the night before and when walking into Hiker Town and I found that I really like him. He’s fun. Ate dinner, showered, and resupplied at Hiker Town and then hiked out at sunset to get some of the aqueduct done so we wouldn’t have to be out on it in the heat of the day. Perfect party hike. Music, pals, laughing. Cowboy camped all together side by side lined up looking like a row of colorful caterpillars. Tarzan passed round some whiskey and I got a little drunk and couldn’t stop talking. The stars were absolutely amazing, and I felt so happy to be alive and where I was. Next day we sought shelter under a bridge in a wind farm for 5 hours mid-day- one of the first really hot days out on trail. The heat really makes hiking hard for me. My body gets so heavy and slow. Still did a full day’s hike, but was tired in the heat especially after a 27-mile day- spent 3 days in Mojave swimming and eating salad in a bag and Primos. I was really the only girl in a crew of 9 or 10 which felt a little bit like a bummer to not have a good balance of genders. Messed around with Roo again which was nice and enjoyable- but also a little confusing because I was also realizing how attracted to Burns I was. My pack suspension busted the day we hiked out of Mojave but I didn’t realize it was busted for 2 days. I just thought my pack was uncomfortable because of the break and because it was so hot outside. The stretch between Mojave and Walker Pass is brutal. Hot. Barely any shelter. But we killed it. We all stayed positive, we camped with friends, and took long mid day breaks in the shade. I’m happy I pushed through. I wanted to do something hard and challenging. Realizing my pack busted was hard because there wasn’t anything I could do. I had zero cell service so I couldn’t organize having a new one delivered to meet me and I landed in town on a Saturday so customer service is closed ‘til Monday. Can’t wait. Thank god for Devilfish. He’s going to drive me 2 hours to the nearest REI tomorrow so I can get a new pack. I’m really looking forward to the Sierras. I hope I get the pleasure of hiking a lot with people that really make me laugh.
June 8, day 42! bye kennedy meadows
Just left Kennedy Meadows this afternoon only stayed there for a night, half day in and half day out. It was nice being there, but I actually feel happier right now, in this moment, cowboy camping in a line on the beach of the Kern. Rambler and Burns giggling like little kids to my right. Burns is singing “Stacy’s mom has got it going on…” Roo and Cheesy Momma Bear to my left also a few others- new guy hiking with us “Big Hunk” and he is exactly that. So happy to be in the Sierras. So much green and purple flowers have been lining the trail. I can see snow covered mountain in the distance. The sunset today was amazing. The sky looked like it was on fire. New pack, solid trail friends, good feels. Life is good. I hope the snow isn’t too scary.
June 11, day 45. horseshoe meadows claps of thunder
Got a ride up here form Lone Pine with Roo and Tarzan and nearly had a full-on meltdown because the road was so scary. Up around 10,000 feet right now. My head is spinning. Dark clouds were rolling in at 8pm when we got to the trail head. Got my tent up the second the rain started. So quick. A race! Lightning and massive claps of thunder all around us. Amazing. Went into Lone Pine unplanned yesterday because Roo needed a new pack. Was happy to hop off the trail and see pals and a new town. Lone pine was the perfect size for a trail town. Got a room with Roo and had a pretty great time together. He’s a dear one to me.
Feeling good about being on trail but def. struggling with the elevation. It slows me right down; I get tired and dizzy really easily. I was really worried that I wouldn’t have people to hike with out here because my pace wasn’t lining up. Rambler, Cheesy Mamma Bear, and Burnsides all keep pushing for 20-mile days and I just want to aim for 15’s so I don’t feel miserable in the most beautiful part- at least for the next week. A week ago I did 20 miles by 2:00. Two days ago it took me until 8:30pm to go 18 miles and I was in super struggle town. But it’s all good. I had to let go of syncing up with some people and now Roo and Tarzan are on board to hike slower days for the next bit with me. A smaller group will be easier to manage. It can get stressful when you have to coordinate with so many other people.
June 14, day 48. good and weird in the sierra
Feeling irritated with myself because I’m noticing how attached I’ve become to Roo and how much of what I’m doing revolves around him. Usually it syncs up just fine but I’m feeling like I need to venture off on my own, to get away from him for a second, to make sure he has room to breath. I don’t want him to get sick of me. Also want him to be able to flirt with other girls and to not worry about hurting my feelings. I made a stupid call today and changed my mind on what I was doing based off of him and I felt really stupid about it. I’m going to actively try to give him space from me before he has to ask for it. I’m more afraid now to go off on my own than I was starting out on day one solo.
The last few days were good and weird at the same time. Back in the heart of the Sierra and it’s so pretty but our mileage has been weird. We’ve hiked a 13 mile, a 16, and an 8-mile day, stopping before foresters pass to hike it in the morning instead to avoid slushy snow. But I feel like I made the wrong call I should have kept hiking and I stopped because Roo did. I find that embarrassing.
Why am I out here again anyway? Maybe I need to think of that when I go to make decisions. I’m here to be surrounded by beauty, to be active and fit, to feel happy, to make friends, and to be open to meeting people that are interested in the same things I am. I wanted to know what a solo hike was like. I’m a solo hiker. But most of my decisions have been based on what others around me are up to. But maybe that’s what you get to do as solo hiker? You get to go where the people you like are. I felt like I was endlessly content and happy with my life hiking last year. The feeling isn’t the same. I think I have more emotional insecurities that I’m having to work through that I didn’t have to face or worry about when I had a hiking partner. Being a single person out here makes me feel needy and vulnerable in ways that I never felt before while on trail. Before the hike I imagined I’d struggle with feelings of loneliness, in reality I’m struggling with the fear of letting go of the people I like being around. I haven’t felt lonely too often, I’ve just felt needy or panicky about not being with people I want to be with. It’s hard to know where to go and when to stop when I’m not sure what my overall goal surrounding this hike even is. Last year the goal was to finish. This year, that’s not really my driving goal. I guess the goal is to push myself, learn more about who I am, to have fun, to feel healthy, and to make lifelong connections. I think to make the best connections, I need to be willing to separate myself from people a little bit more.
And with Roo. I’m the instigator. I’m the one that puts myself in the position to make more happen. If I didn’t put myself in his path, he’d probably never try a thing. Which, when I pause and think that through it hurts a little. It’s not just a situation where I’m a confident woman that goes for what she wants- that’s some of it, but most of it is a girl that wants to feel liked and she does what she can to have that feeling- that’s what makes me sad. I need to leave room to be pursued. How nice would that be? What a rare thing. Something I haven’t had in a while.
June 16
Can these mountains be any sexier?
It’s hard to know what to say about places this spectacular!
Glad I brought micro spikes! So much fun. 7am at the top of Foresters Pass, June 15th
June 19, day 53. @ 6:30am feeling positive
I’m 3 miles from Pinchot pass camped with a least 10 others, some PCT, some JMT. Had an amazing day yesterday. Camped a mile or so from Glenn pass with Burns, Cheesy, Rambler, Roo, and Shep. Took an hour to get to the top. Lots of snow fields and steep climbing but actually really fun. The north side of the pass was mostly covered in snow all the way down to Rae Lakes so there was a lot of glissading- or what can also be called sledding on your butt. So much laughing and screaming. Once we got to Rae Lakes we took a 2 hour break and ate lunch. Such a tiring thing- hiking through snow. Hike 12.5ish miles yesterday. Felt so chill and stopped for a few naked swims and so many pictures. Just. So. Pretty. About a mile or so from camp just after the 800 mile mark we saw a mamma bear and two cubs! They were SO cute! We were far enough away that the bear wasn’t phased by us, but close enough to get a good look at them. The last few days heave been good. Worked through my feelings of neediness, had an amazing hike over Foresters, so much snow! Then over Kearsarge in the same day (2 passes, 22 miles, snow hiking = sore muscles) took a zero in Bishop and stayed at the hostel with all my pals. Had such a lovely time. Back on trail and feeling positive.
June 20, day 54. @830 pm after 3 naked swims
In my tent part way up the climb to Muir Pass one of my favorite. Rushing water nearby, Muir pass only 3.5 miles away and then a day of downhill hiking and rivers. Everything feels faster this time around even though my millage through here isn’t all that much different. Today was good. 3 naked swims in 3 different spots- all water ice cold. Still hiking with pals but I imagine I’m going to have some solo hiking up ahead. It’s what I signed up for, right? We are about 40ish miles from VVR. I’m dreaming about milkshakes already.
June 21, day 55. Hike Naked Day
Hike naked day. Such a good day. Camping at Piout creek- a creek I swam in last year and can’t even imagine getting in this year. It’s like white water rapids. Got up at 4am, started hiking at 4:50 up Muir pass as the sun was rising. Def my favorite pass. The trail winds in and out of tightly knit mountains and every turn feels like a surprise. Roo and I got to the top of the pass a little before 7am and hung out for an hour with pals drinking coffee. Then we all stripped down to shoes and packs and hiked naked down the pass, a completely snow covered pass, for the next 5 miles. It was really fun. Roo and I took a sneaky break at Evolution Lake and had the best make out in the great outdoors I’ve ever had. Caught up and took another break in the sun with the others. The rest of the day was super relaxed hiking, a few breaks, mostly in the trees along rivers and downhill. Another really good day in the Sierra. I love it out here.
June 23, day 57. river crossings
There were a ton of river crossings yesterday some pretty intense water to my crotch, strong flow. Very challenging. Super cold water. Cheesy Momma Bear struggled big time and couldn’t get through on her own. I felt bad but I also had some pretty negative thoughts about it as far as preparedness. How could you hike and not be prepared for river crossings? Now she’s rolled her ankle and needed help getting to VVR. Not a big deal, I want to help and I hope people would help me in that situation. But now that we are at VVR, I don’t want to take that on helping her hike with a hurt ankle after this. I’ve offered advice which she didn’t take and is now in a harder spot because of it. I’m just annoyed. I hate when people put hiking the trail over taking care of themselves. It just puts other hikers in a position to have to care for them, worry about them, or alter their hike for them. Rant over.
At VVR. Missing the old crew. Wishing I was feeling more social because there are so many people here that I don’t know and should get to know because the crew I have gotten to know is pretty spread out. And then Roo is going to be getting off trail to visit a friend so I will be flying solo for a bit.
June 25
All these river crossings got me feeling a little bit like a Risky Biscuit. @ginginnygingin missing you hard, grrrl.
June 27, @ stellar brew in mammoth. zeros
Started my period today, so it makes sense that I was so irritable and emotional over the last few days. Wouldn’t say I’m feeling a ton better right now because I’m a little hung over and have cramps, but, I’m fine otherwise.
Talked with mom on the phone yesterday- her birthday- she was a cutie. Finally having a happy birthday in Myrtle Beach with uncle Aaron and grandpa
In Mammoth with Roo and Cheesy, feeling better about hiking with her because she went to the docs and knows what’s up with her ankle now so I’m not as stressed thinking we’ll have to carry her out of the back-country.. A little crew of 3 at the moment. 3 is a good number. The others we’ve been with are a day ahead already, but I’m feeling positive about meeting other hikers to sync with. This girl 9 Toes and her boyfriend Rosewald are fun. Tough Guy is around. Couple others are familiar from VVR now. Roo is hoping to get off trail once we get to South Lake Tahoe to visit a friend. Not sure how far ahead ill get or if I’ll look into staying at Julia’s friend’s cabin at Echo Lake. I almost don’t want to go into South Lake because its so crazy there. Happy actually to not be getting there on the 4th. Will probably be at Kennedy Meadows North then. The hike out from VVR had some pretty crazy river crossings, one was a beautiful waterfall. Got to Reds midday, took the busses to Mammoth and omg we smelled so bad. The whole bus was filled with clean tourists and jesus we stunk. Stayed the first night in a townhouse with the boys (Pepe, Dudeman, Danger Noodle, etc.) grilled out at the pool and got naked in the hot tub. So many cute naked boy butts. Next day took a zero and washed my sleeping bag. Day didn’t feel super relaxed because I had my pack with me and was doing chores. Today feels more chill.
A snowy, rocky climb up and over Mather Pass at the end of the day will kick your @ss! BUT I LOVED IT.
Day 54 on the #pct going up muir pass. Who needs switch backs? Not me. Nope.
July 9
So often it looks so pretty in the Sierras that I have a hard time believing it’s real.
July 11, day 75 @ donner pass and solo
So, shit! I’m in NorCal now! How did that happen already? The last 2 days I’ve been hiking solo for reals. Just me. Came across Burrito and we camped together the second night, but I really do for the first time feel like I’m completely alone out here. It’s slightly unnerving thinking that there may not be anyone looking out for me the way I felt like Roo was. I felt really sad about us parting ways because his side trip is going to put him 4 to 5 days behind me. I don’t see how he’ll catch up until I start taking breaks again. And at this point in the trail I’m in total go-mode. When I got on trail at Echo Lake, I busted out 16 miles from 1:30-7:30. Next day did almost 28 miles. Today will do 25-30. What else am I going to do besides walk when there aren’t any pals around? I actually haven’t minded being out here alone. It’s nice in a way after being around so many people. The hardest part is just feeling like me and Roo just went through a breakup. The last couple of weeks we’ve been closer, he’s been super affectionate, we’ve been touchier. That ever present want for a guy to want me- all of me- is there. So, I felt really sad when Roo was going away and not begging me to go with him. But at the same time, I get it, he wants a solo hike for a bit for the experience- he loves me, he will miss me, and he liked being around me just as much as I did him. He’s just a little more capable of keeping us as friends that had a special connection for a time. I know I am going to be really jealous if I see him hiking with another girl. It’ll suck but I’ll have to deal with it. Ah man. I just really want to be in love. Seriously though. The chemistry we had was the best I’ve had in 5 years. God. What if I have to wait another 5 years to feel this way again? Ugh.
Hiking out of Mammoth was a struggle. Cramps. So tired. Felt like I could barely move. But then I felt good the next morning. Was with Roo and Cheesy. Took two days and we got to Tuolumne and hitched into the valley. Spent the next morning touring around the valley. Saw a little bear even. Started to push to do bigger days from Tuolumne up to Kennedy Meadows North and the first couple of 20s felt really challenging. So much climbing. Cheesy got off trail at Sonora pass to let her body mend and Snacks and I went to KMN for a quick burger and beer and resupplied on the 4th of July. There was a party for the 4th on trail with a nice fire and 10 to 15 hikers. Jungle juice in a bear can. Super fun night. Late start the next day because everyone was hung over. Had a super late start the following day, too, because Roo and I were all snuggly in the morning. Still did over 20 miles both days. Had some amazing trail magic from PCT section hikers, like a full on 4th of July picnic. Once we got to Tahoe we stayed in a cabin with the usual crew plus some others. Dancing, hot tubs, movies, cooking all of it. Was up ‘til 3am with people. Very fun. The next night after everyone got back on trail, me and Roo stayed at Mt Mellow Hostel. Napped. Went to dinner with Garfield. Then the next day, I got on trail alone. Felt bummed all day. Feeling better now.
July 14th sierra city
In Sierra City, rolled in yesterday morning after just 7 miles felt like I kept up a pretty swift pace this last leg.
16 miles after 1:30, 27.5, 25, 26.5, and then 7. Decided to chill and sleep in Sierra City. My body was really weird yesterday. My guts hurt. When I was hungry, they hurt and when I ate, they hurt. I got dizzy and almost fell over when I was walking on a rocky ridge. And then, my back was sore. My neck hurt; my lower back was tense. On top of that, Burrito kept telling me I looked sad. I guess I’m just really missing Roo. Had a yummy pancake breakfast at the Red Moose Inn with a bunch of hikers I’ve never seen and Burrito. Surrounded by hikers I’ve not met. Sometimes it’s hard to get going on conversations because I feel burnt out on get to know you talks, but then once convos get started, it’s all good. I need to find something to get excited about in NorCal so that I have reasons to stay on trail.
Sometimes your hitch to the trail includes a free beer! People are real nice, I tell ya. #pct2016 #freebeer #ridingincarswithboys
Cheers! To country stores with big porches!
July 17th
Well, NorCal isn’t quite as terrible as I remembered it- at least it doesn’t feel like it’s trying to kill me yet. The scenery has changed from snow capped mountains to a sea of trees ahead of me. Hiking 25 to 30 miles most days has me feeling pretty sleepy, but strong. Oregon, here I come! #pct2016 #walkerrryday #hopingforclouds
July 24, day 88 @ Burney falls. dusty
Day 88! Coming up on 3 months. Over half way now. Around miles 1420ish. Sitting in a pavilion waiting for the store to open so I can buy a few more snacks to get me through the next 3 days to Shasta. Yesterday I hiked 33 miles to get Hat Creek Rim out of the way. So hot by 11. Had 22 miles done by 1:15pm and really didn’t hike again until 6pm to avoid the heat. This section really is hands down my least favorite. From Chester to Mt Shasta I just find the trail incredibly boring, dusty, repetitive, and uninspiring. Thankfully, there have been good fun spots each day to help with the shit of the trail. Out of Chester I slammed 19 miles in 6 hours to get to Drakesbad ranch for a BBQ dinner and a soak in the hot spring fed pool. Then camped next to some PCT parents that had a fire and gave us some booze. Had a bear in our camp the next morning- our being me and Burrito and Golden Boy and Turtle. That night we got to Old Station and we were picked up by a retired trail angel, Firefly, a spry 76-year-old little thing, and offered a place to sleep in her tree house. She was adorable. We listened to countless stories about her life as a trail angel and hiker and it felt like being at out really cool grandma’s house. Visited subway caves and waited out the heat of the day before getting onto the rim but I ended up calling it quits after 8 miles and went to bed early with the intention of getting over 30 in the next day. Now I’m chilling with Burrito waiting for the store.
Roo is gaining ground and I think he will catch up to me before Oregon. I feel excited and nervous about it. I really have a lot on my mind trying to figure out if I can handle it and if I should set up some boundaries to protect my heart. I’ve really been craving love- not just a fling- without clear boundaries I feel bonded to him and then I end up wanting him to want all of me to himself.
Also really been thinking hard about what I will be doing come the fall. This trip will end, and I need to make some decisions on my next steps. The other day while hiking I felt really strongly that I was/is time for me to leave Portland. I don’t want to settle into life as a single adult there again and have to navigate dating and a life I’m so familiar with. Right now, I’m thinking I’ll go back and have a yard sale to sell everything I own except for a handful of bins and my road bike. Then what? Seasonal work? Move to Australia with Tom? Live in Detroit for a few months? Move to a PCT town? Not sure. But it feels like its time to make a move. Which is hard because I still love Portland and I have a lot of friends there.
July 25
O, NorCal. O NorCal. Why do you try to break us? Blisters under calluses, poisonous plants, rattle snakes, bears, cougars, temps well over 90, not a cloud in the sky, dusty dirty dirt, long water carries, bee hives on the trail, and hidden rocks under the dust just waiting to trip you. Every hiking horror in one spot! And yet I keep hiking BECAUSE I AM INSANE! #noonesaditwaseasy, #partofthejourney, #oregonbound #pct2016 #walkerrryday
August 2nd
Passed the 1500 mile marker a few days ago with two of this year’s gems, Roo and Burrito. The heat has been rough, but the company and the views and been pretty great as of late!
Aug 6
Sometimes there is beauty in the burn
It’s been 101 days on the #pct and I still don’t mind packing my house up every morning.
Aug 7
This just in! Moonshine and her calves have made it to Oregon (AGAIN!) after 102 days in CALIFORNIA!
August 9, day 104. hot. dry. snakes. dirty.
In Ashland now, got in yesterday mid-day after lunch at Callahan’s with Roo and Burrito- Roo!! I haven’t written in so long. I hiked with Burrito out of Echo Lake around mile 1100 and Roo caught up with us in Mt Shasta- mile 1500. I couldn’t believe he caught up so fast. Really didn’t think I’d see him before Ashland. There’s so much that happens in a day, I’m sad I haven’t had the drive to write more often. It’s just that at the end of the day, writing isn’t on my mind. Food and sleep. And some of it is probably because its physically uncomfortable to write without a table and a chair. Passed into Oregon! Its always good to be here. It really is. But crazy unexpected feelings about NorCal! Still really felt bored/tired/uninspired by parts of NorCal, mainly just the halfway point to Shasta. A few good rivers in there, but that’s about it. Hot. Dry. Snakes. Dirty. Too many hikers competing for spots to sleep. But then mile 1500 to 1700 were amazing! Take away the forest fire smoke and you actually get to see some really pretty things.
August 13, unplanned zero, must be love
At Fish Lake resort taking an unplanned zero and for the most part I’m totally ok with it. Hiked 30.5 yesterday, 18 of which was a slack pack but crammed into the end of the day so still left me feeling tired. Yesterday really was a pretty special day on trail though. Roo at a break with Turtle Rat and Ant was saying how he’s lost his drive and he thinks it’s because hiking has started to feel routine and he usually hates routine, he gets bored. Funny because after that things got super interesting. Just totally unexpected. So many people with trucks at road crossings. Candy, soda beer fruit. It felt really fun. This guy Goldie got so excited to slack pack that he was half naked and running and dancing through the woods. I don’t feel like I’ve been pushing myself much since Etna. Haven’t really felt sore or exhausted at all and that’s kind of strange because I was always pretty tired and sore last year. Also, not nearly as thin as I was this time last year and that’s kind of a bummer because I really liked not having a belly. Must have to push my limits more to get rid of it or watch what I eat, which seems strange out here.
Stayed three days in Ashland and got back on trail with Garfield and Roo. Took a short cut over to Green Springs Inn with Roo and didn’t see Garf after that. I just love being around Roo. Must be love, eh?
August 14
Day 109; the day my pack fell off the wall and nearly rolled it’s way down into one of the deepest lakes in the world. #classicmoonshine #hikeender #pct2016 #wowthatwasclose
August 20th
The Oregon forests are ripe with blueberries right now! I left some for the critters and hikers behind me, but it was temping not to.
Aug. 31, day 126. washington rains
In Cascade Locks with 3 days of rain ahead. I’ll have to remember how hot it’s been and how I longed for rain when I was burning up all summer. I’m with Roo, over a week behind our main crew of buddies hoping that we will sync up with people we really like to finish the trail in good happy company. Should be done in 25 days’ time. Damn. I miss the beginning. I miss the middle. It’s all good though. Pretty sure I have some sort of parasite. My guts have been unhappy for a week or two.
Sept 1
Bye bye Oregon, you’ve been fun! A lot of hikers try to make up time by hiking the whole state in 2 weeks (around 400 miles). I’d just like to say I chill hiked oregon hard but still broke some of my records. 12 zeros, one 40.4 mile day, no rain, no blisters, and almost pooed my pants once.
Sept 8
Wanna walk the Knife’s Edge with me? Don’t worry, it’s safe, we won’t fall
Sept 9
Sometimes all ya need is a good cup of coffee, a ride in the back of a truck, and a little sun to feel young.
Sept 10. already nostalgic for the beginning
Four more days until my birthday almost a week behind where I thought I’d be when I was looking ahead at the most month and it’s hard to wrap my head around it. On one hand it’s perfect because Burrito and Golden Boy have caught up and we have friends to hike the state with. On the other hand, it’s scary because I’m nearly out of money and would like to be closer to making money. Also feeling very unimpressed by myself athletically. I had to push so hard last year, and this year I’ve done way less pushing during the last month. But it’s made for way more pleasant hiking and way less stress because there is no immediate deadline. I really wanted to finish on the 25th so that I could go see Jordan in Seattle, but if I do that (and it is still possible) then I would be finishing the trail alone and I really have no desire to do that. I started alone but the thought of ending alone sounds terrible. And it’s a good crew. Me Roo Burrito and Golden Boy. Trip almost over. I already feel nostalgic for the beginning. I love the first 3 months. Such variety. So much energy. So much excitement. And now everyone feels tired, all but beat, ready to be done and sad about it at the same time. I’m ready. I feel like I’ve done a fair share of walking and it’s time to do something else. To set some goals up and line up what I do with my goals the first being financial stability. Working to get out of debt and to a place where I have a solid savings account. Figuring out the best way to go about that is the confusing part. I think living at home for free for a few months and working sounds like the smarted plan. And if I can’t line up work in Detroit after 2 weeks, I head back to Portland to work for the winter. If I could choose what to do without money worries I’d go to Australia by Feb. and stay indefinitely to see if I can line up work. Or just go for a month and see Tom. I really want to get to a place where I’m not feeling broke, and I think living rent free for a while is the best way to do that.
I want to embrace my life after the trail and to hold into the person I’ve become, I want to stay active and fit and to live with minimal belongings. I want to meet my goals and to have clear goals. I felt strongly about leaving Portland but now am not so sure if it’s the best time for that. I have options for work and cheap housing there and can probably better reach my financial goals and stay active a the same time there. We’ll see. It’ll all play out well if I stay positive and smart.
September 11, packwood and giardia
Ya lose track of days after a while. Roo was puking and super sick and dehydrated. Got him to a hospital and they got him hooked up to some fluids, 2 liters. At this point in our relationship, I couldn’t leave him. And I don’t feel burdened by it because I’ve already hiked this trail and having my path disturbed doesn’t seem to matter. I rubbed his back as he cried in the bath. So skinny, scary skinny. Gets me thinking about a career position, something like nursing or midwifery again. Not sure how good I am at it when I don’t care for the person but it’s worth looking at. This hike has been so different from last year.
September 19
Well, washington has been a bit wet and has included unpredictable mood swings. My thoughts during a 5 min period: Wow it’s so pretty, i dont even care about beauty, omg get me off this trail, so sad it’s nearly over, why I am here, screw this, I’m tired, I’m so hot, I’m so cold, I’m so wet, I should skip to the end, no I wanna hike, love hiking, I’m never hiking again. Lolz, thru hiking!
September 25, at Stehekin bakery
Sitting at the bakery getting ready for the last stretch of the PCT. Looks like we might have a decent window of good weather. There had been a pretty solid amount of rain in WAS. After I got Roo settled into Yakima to rest up, I hitched up to Chinook Pass to hike 23 miles to a cabin where I knew Burrito and Golden Boy would be. 23 miles from 11:30 to 8. Pretty good. Hiked with them to Snoqualmie where Roo had hitched to and was waiting for us. It was my birthday, 34, and the boys paid for my dinner and Roo bought me some whiskey. The hike out of Snoqualmie was hard. It was a lot more climbing, hard for me for whatever reason. Also hard for Roo coming off of being sick. Then it rained. All day. By the time we got to the Dinsmore’s a few days later we were all happy to take a day off in their bunk house watching movies, eating, talking, and feeling warm and dry as it pissed rain outside. When we got up to Stevens Pass to start hiking the Glacier Peak Wilderness, we had a good window of clear weather. But shit, that section was so physically challenging. So many thousands of feet up and down and the trail really wasn’t smooth for a good 30 to 40 miles. We had to push to get to the post office in Stehekin before it closed as well so there was a lot of pressure to get miles in over very challenging terrain. The plan out of here is much more chill. 14. 22, 22, 22, 3 (plus 8 to Manning Park).
There has been a lot of time looking back over the hike, reminiscing and looking ahead to the end, its going to be very close to how I imagined it. Celebratory. With friends. Things don’t always go according to plan; I see that so clearly. That’s the hardest thing for me, maybe in life even, when I have an idea of a plan and it changes in a way I don’t want it to, and you just have to accept it. That’s hard. I’m ok with the trail being over. It’s time to end. I wouldn’t mind going back in time to the middle again and slowing things down a bit. The thing that feels so good about being out here is that I am doing what I know I wanted to do. I am where I chose to be and that brings me a sense of fulfillment. When all of this is done, the hard adjustment is trying to replicate that level of satisfaction with where I am and what I am doing. Brian rehired me at Sip to help transition the place over to new managers. I hate that I’m just going right back to exactly the same spot I was before the 2015 hike but also love that I’m able to just jump right back into a full-time work and start paying down my PCT debt. My plan is to work for Sip for the month of October, stay with Shawn and Leah, have a yard sale and get rid of most of my stuff, go back to Michigan in November and find temp work there for November and December. Then come back to Portland and find a 3 month sublet and work look into selling my car for something I can sleep in and live out of my car for the summer to continue to bulk up my savings so that I can get over to Australia and maybe even new Zealand for some hiking. I need to figure out temp work that allows me to feel stable with and even if I take 4 months off each year. I should be a park ranger. O man, but I also want a baby. How do I fit all of these things into my life without money? I need a little mobile house. A van. A motor home. Something off the grid so I don’t have to pay for power. Which means I need to work my ass off for the next year to save up money to make that happen. When I was living with Shawn I had so much stuff. Didn’t have enough room for my clothes. I’m excited to own next to nothing. And to really like the things I do own. Start small plan the next few months knowing that my immediate goal is to get out of debt and to save up 10,000.
September 29
I hiked the PCT AGAIN! Well shoot, maybe I should do it one more time
October 5
One year ago today I finished the PCT for the first time with @thisisthmus and wouldn’t have guessed that I’d hike it again. I am so happy I did. Absolutely no regrets. The trail is amazing and I’m so grateful for the friendships it’s gifted me with and for the strength it’s shown me I have. Sometimes it sucked and I cried and swore and screamed at the trail. But mostly, I loved it. I loved it even when I hated it. Even when it was too hot or too cold or raining and I was uncomfortable…I loved it. I was where I wanted to be. Can’t wait to see what hiking this trail inspires next. #pctig #pct2016 #washington #pct2015 #walkerrryday
Oct 10th POST TRAIL. the final goodbye
11 days post trail. Shit. This morning I took Roo to the airport. The final goodbye to my 5 months on the PCT. Not an easy goodbye. Minus the 3 weeks we hiked without each other in NorCal and the 3 days in WA he took off to recoup from giardia, we were together every day. We love each other. I feel good around him. I’m so attracted to him. So easy to get along with. What a gift to have shared this time with him. After he caught up to me in Mt. Shasta, I felt chased or chosen by him and my insecurities melted away. We intentionally were choosing to hike together and intentionally behaving like a couple. We knew we wanted to finish the trail together. So glad we did. Oregon was a bit of a blur. Did a record breaking 40.4-mile day. Had my first real solo and only solo night on trail. My other solo nights there were hikers around. Had an amazing weekend up at trail days. Got to see hikers that had gotten ahead of us and hikers from last year. Such a fun reunion. Had a blast in Portland biking around, swimming off the docks, seeing Tame Impala on the waterfront. Then WA proved to be a big struggle for Roo with giardia but it slowed us down a day allowing Burrito, Golden Boy and Rambler to catch up, securing that the last 2 weeks we’d hike in a bubble of good friends and we intended to be at the border together. And we were. The weather was perfect. Our moods were simply better with the sun shining down on us. We camped 3 miles from the border, in the same place I did the year before. I woke everyone up with music on my speaker. We, Trigger Burrito Rambler and Roo all got emotional as the border approached. It was such a special moment. Tears all around, insane laughter, wonder. Joy. The perfect ending to an incredible 5 months. 5 months and one day. Can’t say I’ll never hike it again. I think the PCT is a place I will always think of as home. I’m incredibly lucky. So lucky. So lucky.
I think another trail is in my future. Not sure which one or when that will be, but it feels like I won’t be able to stay away for long.
Oct 26
Listening to Of Monsters and Men and the song From Finner came on- I froze and my breath caught in my throat. It took me right back to the beginning of the trail, in the heat of the desert, cruising up and down mountains as the sun was setting, with months of hiking still ahead of me. I love that sneaky way music confronts you with memories and connects you to feelings you have stashed away. “and we are far from home, but we’re so happy. Far from home, all alone, but we’re so happy.”
Nov 14
Reminding myself tonight that the way to overcome the hard stuff can be as simple as one step at a time. Looking too far ahead can be terrifying- paralyzing even. So for now I will look at my feet and just take steps forward. #lifelessons #pct2016 #trying #walkerrryday
Nov. 15th in Michigan. confused as hell
Confused as hell. Same as I was before the hike about post hike. There are some things I do know. I do have goals. It’s just getting to the goals, the how, is hard. I should mention that again, none of my fears came true on my 2016 hike. It was amazing. It was where I wanted to be, what I wanted to be doing, and I thrived. And now I need to keep doing the things that bring me joy. Indecision sucks me dry. I need to make some choices, accept that they may bot be the best option, and move forward. Goals in no particular order:
1. Live simply, live tiny- van or trailer.
2. Go to Australia to hike and party with tom
3. Go on another thru hike in the next 1.5 years. Te Arora, AT, PNWT
4. Save money. Have 10k in the bank in a year.
5. Stay inspired. Stay fit. Take advantage of the now.
6. Open up a hiker hostel.
I’m a little, maybe more than a little, heartbroken right now and having a hard time moving through it. Fell in love for reals this summer and while he loves me, he doesn’t see us ever being together. I knew that from the start. He’s 9 years younger. He lives on the other side of the world. Two huge obstacles. But I went and let myself fall in love anyway, knowing it would be temporary. And then the trail ended, he went off to travel more, and I daydreamed about how unlikely it would be to end up together but leaving room for the possibility because, well, you never know. He’s the best I’ve ever had. But he, when playing out our future scenarios, does not ever see one in which we wind up together. He has no reason why. Just is. He sees me being his friend. That’s it. And I hate it. I’m trying so hard to not go down the path where I start thinking really negative things about myself. I’m stuck on why. Why doesn’t he at the least see me as a maybe? Why? And it’s easy to want to answer it with “because I’m too old. Too boring. He only liked me because I liked him. I forced it. I was available. He didn’t love me like I thought he did. I made up the connection.” ….
…I think I’m going to be single for a long time. I can’t intentionally start short term relationships anymore.
I loved and I lost. And yet I do in the sadness see that I also gained. It was an incredible experience to have shared that time with him.
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