160 days. 20 zeros. April 28th to Oct. 5th.
“Everything was beautiful, and nothing ever hurt.” – Tom McDonald.
April 28th, Day 1. Rainbows
My gut is filled with rainbows.
April 29th, Day 2. this is my new life
84*F @ 10:55am. Sitting on Tom’s sleeping pad under a tree. Blessed shade. Blessed shade. 20 miles done, 15 miles yesterday and 5 this morning. We’ve figured out already that hiking early morning, resting during the mid-day heat, and hiking after three until dusk is going to be the way to survive the heat.
I feel incredibly happy right now. When hiking I keep echoing Tom’s words in my head: “This is my new life.” This my new life. I think I’m going to love it. The breaks are glorious. Yesterday we found a small sliver of shade on the trail and sprawled out, asleep in the dirt, total bliss.
I’m so relieved with how my body is holding up. I honestly feel great. The aches and pains are normal fatigue and manageable. My pace matches Tom’s. I’m feeling confident. Any time I worry of body holding up creeps in, I just push it away and try to get back in the moment. There’s all this hiking chatter coming from the hikers and this big bearded crazy man at the table near my tree. It is beautiful music. So far, I’ve mooned three people. I think it’s going to be my m/o. My only real worry right now is that Tom will get hurt. I don’t want to do this without him. His company perks me up. He can say on thing and send me into fits of giggles. He’s so kind. So far proven to be an excellent partner.
This is my new life. Walking, sweating, breathing, laughing, resting. Eating. Picnicking. I really do want this to go well.
The day before the hike was amazing. Free meals. Support. Rides. A room. The generosity surrounding this hike is amazing. Friends. Family Strangers. It’s lovely.
April 30th, Day 3 enter ibuprofen
Yesterday was such a good day. Early morning hike. 5 hours resting. A cheeseburger. And then a 6-mile hike as the sun went down. We walked through a meadow for about a mile or so and it felt like this little gift. A change of scene. It was lovely. Met some people from Seattle at our campsite. All in all, and 11-mile day. It was good. Today. Today feels harder on my body. Hiked 9 miles this morning and my legs are spent. It’s not without beauty and joy though.
It’s mid-day. We’re sitting out the heat again. I’ve taken my first dose of ibuprofen to help my knees out. Aiming for another 4-5 miles today unless my body won’t let me. Our rest spot has the most wonderful oak tree. So welcomed in the desert heat. The birds are fun to watch. Tom’s quote today said while looking out towards the mountains we hiked and beyond: “this is the best decision we’ve ever made.” I think I agree. I hope I can stay positive through the aches and pains.
May 2nd, Day 5. the hills are alive
Last night we walked up along a ridge as the sun was setting and I don’t know what else I’ve seen that can compare to it.
This morning we started walking at about 7am. Strung out on coffee up this ledge with the most amazing view singing the sound of music. I don’t know if it was then or another time- but I felt so happy- so in love with what I was doing and seeing that tears were all welling up. Sitting in our little home in the middle of the desert. Full moon. Laughing ‘til my stomach hurts because Tom is hilarious. I want to remember everything, but I won’t be able to.
Mid-day today we pushed it a little too hard and couldn’t find shade. We ended up walking 11 miles or so without a huge break with a lot of that being downhill. I thought my knees were going to rip out of my skin and leave me to hobble around without them.
6 ibuprofen and a nap later and there is just a dull ache. Today we heard our first rattle snake. Startled me and left adrenaline pumping for quite some time. We were camped for the hot part of the day and had been there for 3 hours. I went to where we had been stretching to pick up my towel and the rattle started up so abruptly and loudly. Never saw it, but it stopped when I backed away. I’d be ok if we went all summer without seeing one. I’m a little burnt, have big bug bites, one blister that is bothering me, sore knees, and a happy heart. Walked about 16 miles today 😊
May 3rd, Day 6. rattle snake desert love
First snake today. Tom was super startled by it. I’d say she was about 4 feet long and just sprawled out over the trail. Didn’t budge until we made a lot of noise and even then, just slowly, silently slithered off the trail.
Just has a fantastic shower for $5 at the weirdest place. It’s this RV campground with wagons here and there to rent. A campground in the middle of the desert. It feels so desolate and odd. Like scene from some western movie. It is a daily pleasure to look at Tom. He is the most beautiful man I know. 😊
May 5th, Day 8. cactus to oaks to nothing
When you are walking, napping, eating, sleeping, walking- all that- everyday- it’s hard to even know what day it is.
Today we hiked about a 14-mile day with a 2-mile walk in “town” to the post office and it didn’t ruin us at all. I feel great. Besides the fact that Warner Springs was a royal disappointment, today was really one of the good ones. We are becoming more familiar with some of the other hikers (there are so many of them). We’ve found ourselves hiking the last 2 or 3 days with people that started hiking one and two days before us. We’ve seemed to have left the handful of people that started with us a day or even just five miles behind.
Just turning a corner on the trail can offer a completely different view/environment/feel. One minute it feels desolate and barren and the next, it’s supple and green. One minute trees to cactus to oaks to nothing. Sand. Leaves. Gravel. Meadows. It’s spectacular. I’m finding the early morning hikes to be amazing. The light. The cool air…
Tom and I have been singing a lot to pass the time. It’s been fun. The lowest points have been when we get too hot and can’t find a good place to break. One week and a day and I love being on the move. The downhill has been hard on the knees, but everything else is holding up really well. Sometimes I wish there were less hikers, but then there are times when the conversations become a real morale booster. It’s also fun to talk to people when you’re on a break. I gave someone their trail name today and it felt really good. “Smiles.” It was so fitting and made sense.
May 8th, Day 11. Idyllwild- like a dream
In Idyllwild.
And totally gorging myself on food and drink. It snowed last night. We just made it off the trail and into town before the snow hit. Walked nearly 20 miles yesterday. Cold and windy. About 17.5 the day before. Today’s rest will be good for my legs. Scored a ride from a guy that is just following the herd north. He was sitting at the trailhead. Drove us to Paradise café where I had a veg burger with bacon and fries and a hot cocoa. Ate so fast. Then he drove us and 3 other hikers on up to Idyllwild. After 10 days with hiking every day, I really really wanted to get here. This place is like a dream. Cute. Snow covered, delicious. So friendly. So nice! Everyone has been so incredibly accommodating. Snow has me a little worried about the big mountain in front of us. Just need to be careful.
I could hike 20-mile days no problem if they were all uphill and flat with zero downhill. The down is just so hard on the knees.
I like being shut off from my phone when we are hiking. You get into towns and its like your face gets glued to your screen. It’s hard not to get sucked into checking things constantly because there is a lot of down time in town.
May 15th, Day 17 big bear, big pancakes, big fuck you old guy!
It’s easy not to write.
Just walked into Grizzly Bear Café. This little café/diner in Big bear lake wearing my booty spandex shorts, knee high wool socks, and all of my upper layers- ear muff, wool shirt, plaid shirt, puffy coat, raincoat. I was actually pretty hot. I should mention that it snowed here yesterday, and it is probably 40* out. Anyway. Walked into the front door and this café is tiny and full of locals. It’s 7:30 so its all mostly people over 50. You’ve got this little bar area and there are 3 old guys shooting the shit. I walk in and this old ass starts talking about me like I wouldn’t be able to hear him. It wasn’t playful in a way that I could join in and it instantly pissed me off. “call that proper winter attire? Look at that! Got all the layers on top and nothing on the bottom.” Another guy says “must be a hiker” then they say stuff I can’t hear. We made eye contact. Like I was being scolded for wearing shorts. Well fuck you, old guy! My pants are dirty, and this is all I have. Now, onto another rant.
I just ordered a huge breakfast. Tom stayed in bed. I was asleep at 9 last night following the sun these days. I’ve been surprised about the snowstorms we’ve had. And shit-
The biggest pancake.
May 23rd, day? cry baby cookie cabin
In Wrightwood
We just spent two nights in a cabin in Wrightwood being treated like queens. Strolled in all dirty- 6 of us- and were handed bathrobes to wear all night while our laundry was being done. So much good food. A real generous spirit.
The last stretch of hiking was almost 100 miles without a town stop. We were carrying a lot with us and didn’t have showers for a week. No campgrounds for this leg. Big Bear to Wrightwood. The weather for the most part was in our favor, while we did find a lot of water this stretch, the trail was really exposed. Had it been hot and sunny, things would have been difficult. We had 60* weather, a hot sun, with a fair amount of cloud cover. Really felt like an amble through a pine forest, into a rock field, and then a stroll along a river to some hot springs. Things felt hard after the McDonalds. I ate so much. The thought grosses me out. But beforehand, McDonalds was the promise land. When we left, we had 25 miles to walk with no water sources. That meant 5 liters of water at least making for a really heavy pack. It wasn’t hot, but it was fucking windy and the climb was intense. We climbed up to a little over 9000 feet- a 6 or 7,000 elevation gain- with really heavy packs, sore sore feet, and tired bodies.
The first bit was a challenge. The last 6 miles was a morale killer. A cloud settled in on the ridge killing any views that would have kept you inspired. The wind was intense and cold. My feet hated me. I couldn’t move quickly because I was exhausted, down, and the elevation was making it harder to breath. I felt so negative and tired and down. Never hating the hike, just hating the moment. I cried my first time on the PCT. It probably won’t be the last. Then we rolled off the mountain and we find a ride and chocolate chip cookies waiting for us at the trail head. Instantly happy, relieved, and grateful. I love the hiker community. So much love and support. And you need it. You’d quit without it. The people on the trail and in the towns keep you going. Your friends and family keep you going. It really isn’t a solitary thing. So much of it is about accepting love and support and being that for your fellow hikers.
I’m lucky to have Tom hiking with me. Very lucky. He makes me laugh all the time.
The hurt now isn’t really the muscles. The legs and all of that feel good. They get tired and heavy, but they don’t hurt. What hurts now is my feet and ankles. Everyday by the end the feet are just screaming. Hopefully that will stop soon if ever.
May 25th, Day 28. sleeping on a dirt road
Hiked 22 or 23 miles today and it ended with the sun setting, 2 hummingbirds, and 3 deer. Totally blissed out after a long, hot ass-kicking afternoon. Sleeping on a dirt road. Moon bright. Not so bad.
May 27th, day 30! KOA chinese food delivery
KOA campground = Heaven.
This place is actually kind of shit, but your idea of nice changes when you’re out on the trail all the time. Woke up this morning with big swollen feet. So fat and puffy. Could barely bend my toes. Walking over to Tom, Sally, and Ben was a funny sight. Total hobble. Everything else feels ok, just the balls of my feet are killing me.
Today is going to be a chill day by the pool. Hike out and get a few miles in tonight. The hiking crew is pretty fantastic. Last night there were probably 20 of us here at the KOA eating Chinese food delivered to the campground. So much laughter.
May 29th, day 32. mercy kill
Yesterday we mercy killed a bird. Rewriting the story won’t come close to how wild the moment actually felt. Slept in that morning after a bit of a night hike into Vascas Rocks just outside of Augua dulce (which by the way was preceded with the scariest night walk through tunnel under a highway. Felt like I was walking into a cave full of things that would kill me). Me, Tom, and Judd Step had a mile walk into town and not even a quarter mile into the walk we saw a dying bird on the trail. After a bit of discussion Just Step and I said we should kill it, end it’s suffering, and he found a rock. We thought the first attempt worked, just muscle spasms, but then it’s legs kept moving and we were really afraid it was still alive and now really hurting because its face was all smashed in. So, Judd reared up good this time and threw the rock down real hard. AND O MY GOD. It was a split second and I was completely covered from head to toe in bird brains and blood. Head to Toe. All of me. Judd Step got it from the waste down, I got it everywhere, and Tom got it in the face. We all stood there screaming for five minutes at least, just afraid to look at ourselves. I have baby wipes and we did the best we could to clean up- but as you’re wiping up blood splatters you find brain chunks and the screaming starts all over again. And when it was all done, Tom cleaned up the scene and we went on our way with blood splatter stains all over our things. What a start to the day.
I’m spending way more money on food that I had planned for. Shit. But it’s too hard to pass up town food.
Well hit mile 500 tomorrow. 200 more miles and we are out of the desert. I’m kind of already getting a little nostalgic for it. I can’t believe it’s been a month. I can’t believe how much I love it.
Hiking up to Baden Powell. Risky biscuit “HAHAH ROCK FIGHT”
Tom hiking in a muumuu
Seeing Judd Step dance for a hitch into town and hoping into the back of the truck with him
The sun setting over the mountains
We can walk 12-14 miles now at a 3 mile an hour pace with just short water breaks. Getting stronger. 10 before 10.
At the fire station at mile 400 we walked 18 miles from 7am-4pm with a one-hour lunch. And then hiked another 5 at 7pm.
We lay around in towns as if we were homeless. We are. We find the shade and electricity and water. We smell. We laugh. We’ve had a few shorter days. Its nice on the feet. 9 miles out of KOA. 13.5 miles out of Augua Dulce. 15 miles today. We hitched a huge chunk of a road detour. Smart hiking if you ask me.
June 3, Day 36? I think? shoes in the mail
At Motel 6 in Mojave
I feel like I haven’t hiked in forever. Zero today. Only 10 yesterday. I’m itching to start tomorrow morning but I’m waiting for shoes to be delivered to Mojave, so I’m stuck until the show up.
June 5th, day ?
@ Motel 6 in Mojave
The hike out of Hikertown was pretty amazing. A whole crew of us hiked into the night with a bright moon. Easy walking along an exposed aqueduct.
June 10th, Day 44. full moon hike
in lake Isabella. Super old school diner filled with white haired folks that look at ya funny when you walk in because you are not a local.
I get easily interrupted when I’m in towns. Hotels feel like huge social gatherings. People in and out, feeling young, laughing talking resting. Meant to write about the naked midnight mile we walked. Night hiked out of Hikertown-the strangest place with loud roosters that roamed free and never shut up. Walked 17 miles from “camp” to the beginning of one of the many wind farms wed walk through. 5pm to 1am. Short morale breaks. Butt shots on the aqueduct. Normally when we all hike, we are asleep by 9pm, so it felt like being up until 4 in the morning. Way past bedtime. We were all loopy. Laughing hysterically. The amoeba, risky, cold bear, 70%, Firefox, bob the beaver, chipmunk, scorpia. It was so exhausting and fun. At midnight Tom and I enforced the naked mile. Everyone took off all their clothes and hiked to camp naked. Full moon, or nearly full moon, no one needed head lamps. You just saw asses and boobs glowing in the moonlight. I eat bacon every chance I get. Its pretty much fueling this hike.
I’ve hiked 650 miles now. And I love my life. The highs and lows. The extreme emotions. The lessons in compromise. The beauty. The physical exhaustion. I’m starting to worry about when its all over. I’m afraid ill just sink into depression. I think about all the things I hated about work and worry that they’ll creep back into my life. I’m worried that my now forming beautiful, strong body will instantly go to shit. I see my shoulders when I hike, and I look strong and steady. I’m good at this. My body likes it. Feet are doing well again. Muscles can totally handle it. I fall apart when I’m too tired or too hungry or too hot.
I don’t think about super profound things when I hike. I thought I would. Friends, family, my feet, when ill eat again, sex, the view. Its not a very solitary experience really. Even when I’m not talking with tom while hiking, I’m aware of him and his needs – which in some ways changes the experience. I’m happy to have tom here. If I hiked solo, it would be something else entirely. I would feel lonely more often. Really, I haven’t felt lonely at all. Toms a wonderful person to share this with. He keeps getting hurt or pretend hurt- which hasn’t slowed us up much if at all. We hike at different paces lately. I’m faster, but the distance we cover is the same. It works out. And we can split up and it’s ok.
What will I do when this is over? I’m scared. I’m scared I won’t have any clear ideas or direction, that I’ll feel more lost and filled with longing for the things that will fill me up. I feel filled up now. Life is simplified. I know what I’m doing. I’m hiking. I’m walking every day. I’m experiencing something not many people will. I’m happy.
June 13th, day 47. kennedy meadows
Sitting on the deck of Kennedy meadows. Arrived yesterday. Feet up on the table. Surrounded by pals. Risky, cold bear, sally, ben. Feels good to relax and let toms leg heal.
June 16th, day 50. a whole new hike
A few days into our sierra section and it feels like a whole new hike. Really feel removed from civilization more than any other stretch. Were up to 10,000 feet in elevation. Can really feel it when climbing- shortness of breath, weak legs- but other than that, I’m handling the elevation well. No headaches, no shits. Loved being at Kennedy meadows. There were at least 50 hikers there, if not 75. All, or most of, the good pals stuck around. Cell phones didn’t work and there was only one mountain bar to go to, so we all were just spending the day on the porch talking, playing games, sorting food, gossiping, drinking, and eating. Its nice to not have the option of using a phone. There should be cell phone free places. Leave your phone at the door. We stayed two nights and sat around a campfire each night. Each time a new hiker rolled up; the whole porch of people erupted in applause. I like to think ours was one of the loudest. People cheered and yelled and clapped. I of course pulled my butt out people flooded down the porch steps to hug and high five us…it was so good. So much happy. So good, this hiker family.
Its been really hard having tom hurt. When he has a bad day, it means I have one, too. Slower miles, longer days ‘til camp, and then that ever-pressing fear that he’ll be taken out of the hike. Or now, it even gets stressful thinking about having to take multiple days off for an injury because then we’d be days behind the people we really like hiking with.
My body is still holding up well. The feet get sore after a while, but everything else is hanging in there. I feel lucky. Sometimes I’m amazed by my life. What an amazing experience. I’m living and walking outside for 150-190 days. I saw a buck grazing in a meadow yesterday. So beautiful. Also saw a marmot. Cute!
I’ve had some close encounters with “trail tail” but no real deal yet. He’s really cute and young and perfect for playing with, but not anything more than that. Haven’t met anyone yet that I’ve connected with in a “I want to date you” sort of way but have made a few lifelong friends.
I miss my family. I see people that remind me of them, and I get really eager to see them again. I just farted and tom said “sorry?” he answered to my fart thinking I said something. My farts have been out of this world. We’re dropping down to anywhere from 13-15 miles a day for the next week. It’s nice. Slower mornings and more time to stop and play.
June 22, day ? exhaustion kicking in
My feet are tired.
We are in Bishop. I have this feeling like I don’t want to go back to the trail for a while. I think the exhaustion of it is kicking in a little bit. Funny to have that feeling now when it’s the prettiest part. So many rivers. Much more relaxed. More friends. So epic. It feels more challenging because we really feel so removed from civilization. We don’t see roads. Living above 9ooo feet for days also has its way of making you feel so beat. I can see how people would quit soon.
June 24th, day 58. lakes and rivers
mile 814, We’ve slowed down dramatically. 14 miles or so a day. Which means most nights my body isn’t hurting, and my feet feel ok. Taking a lot of time to stop and play in lakes and rivers. It really is one of the most beautiful places I’ve been. Yesterday was really hard for me. One of the first days back on the trail after a quick night in bishop. I was really struggling. Its so hard to breath sometimes. When we got back to the trail, we were about 9000 feet. I just felt dizzy all day, winded, weak. Also had a nosebleed and the trail yesterday was rocky and difficult. You couldn’t take your eyes off the ground for fear of falling. Went over 2 passes. Kearsarge and then Glenn pass. Up to 12000 feet and hot and hard. We camped by a river and this suspension bridge. I fell asleep so fast and hard. Didn’t even hear tom wake up. Apparently, he made coffee and was setting it next to my face so I would wake up. Then today was just so much better. The trail was smooth, I wasn’t tired, the views were amazing. I had better control of my breathing. We swam naked in the most beautiful lake this afternoon. Just after pincot pass. So grateful to have had today. The deer, the breeze, the abundant amounts of water. I needed to feel the joy of it all again and I did.
June 26th day 60. memories of mitchell
I had dreams about Mitchell again last night and then had him on my mind pretty heavily the first half of the walk. I want to do something nice in his memory out here on the trail if I can. The morning walk was beautiful though. I cried a few heavy sobs sort of cry when I came around a bend. It was just so lovely, and my heart was so heavy for Mitchell at the same time.
Our camps the last two night have been amazing. In the trees next to water rushing down smooth rock faces. So lovely. I love the sounds of the water moving. We’ve been out here almost 2 months now. 60 days. I can’t believe I’ve been hiking everyday minus 5 for 2 months. We’ve only had 5 zeros. Idyllwild, big bear, Mojave (2) and Wrightwood. Any other time off has a least a little hiking during the day. 60 days. Wow. 60 days. Mile 846. 5 zeros. Maybe 5 or so neros.
July 3rd, day ? bigger than just walking
8:30 am No hiking today. In mammoth in a townhouse with 10 other hikers and really happy to be on a break again. This place is in the mountains which is a nice change from the desert towns we’ve been in. I miss my friends and family but am grateful for the crew of friends I’ve made on the trail. Finally got somebody contact last night- just some cuddles with TJ. It was nice for sure. I love being held. It just feels so stupid good. I don’t even need sex when I’ve got some full body contact. I’m at a café and I like when people at cafes are over 50 years old. All the locals are here and know her.
Put a little video up on FB of me whining about how hard hiking can be- but it’s so pretty- and it’s so hard. Shortly after I got a text from Ryan that was really encouraging. The fact that he – a person that could care less about being outside- things that what I’m doing is worth doing and he’s proud of me is really encouraging. You forget when you’re out surrounded by this amazing stuff that its amazing. You forget that hiking your way to Canada from Mexico I bigger than just walking every day. Pretty sure the novelty has worn off and we are at the bit that is going to begin to be a mind game. Total mental challenge. You get to a spot that feels like you’ve done something to be proud of and the pull to stop and do something else (but what?) becomes greater.
July 15th, day…? trail tail
Oh God its starting to feel like crunch time. 3 months to finish the trail and we aren’t halfway yet. Almost 1,100 miles in. about 1500 to go. I want to do this trail. The whole thing.
In other news, I had me some lovin’ and YAY! Trail tail! We went down to Yosemite Valley after debating for 4 hours in Tuolumne. Totally worth it. 3 easy hitches. So fun. Camping down in the valley. Tent lovin’. Yes. We also hiked to the top of Yosemite falls and swam at the top. Such a good day. So many good memories from this trip. So much I could write about and haven’t. I really do love my life. We’ve upped our mileage pretty much since Tuolumne. I’d say over the last 8 days we’ve covered about 20 miles a day. Picking up the pace. The terrain is a little easier. We said goodbye to the majestic Sierras as we descended to Sonora pass. It was a beautiful moment. On this massive ridge looking back over the countless jagged peaks that we climbed around, through, over, hitched into Kennedy meadows north just after the 1000-mile mark. Tom and I celebrated with a bottle of champagne and burgers. So yum. Drunk before dinner was served. That was the last night we camped with Kett. He camped with us for the previous 7 or 8 nights. It was nice hiking with him and getting to know a bit. Also, the kissing was fun. I want more.
July 23rd, day ? new me
In a small meadow waiting for our water to filter. 2 days ago, we beat our millage record and did a 25-mile day without problems. Now, 2 days later my feet are pretty sore, but I think that’s just from the accumulation of miles we’ve been doing. No days less than 20 really.
I cut all of my hair of when we stayed in south lake taco (Tahoe) and while that’s usually hard for me, it makes things on the trail way easier. My hair is way easier to manage and even kind of cute when dirty verses greasy and smashed to my head and snarly. Saw a rattle snake eating a chipmunk a few days ago. Kett and I were walking and stopped dead in our tracks to the sounds of a snake rattle it’s a very distinct sound. Snake let us know it was there and then slowly slithered up to its dead dinner. Did I mention we saw a bald eagle a week ago flying over a lake? I love seeing the animals. Saw a bear lumbering down the road near our cabin, too. What a strange sight. Has some really times with Kett in south lake taco. God I’m so crazy physically attracted to him. Its nice to have his sweetness around.
Coming up on 3 months. This lifestyle is becoming second nature. I love waking up outside. The birds in the morning the sounds of the wind. The shadows as the sun rises. I sleep better in the tent now than I do in towns. It’s a good life. Get up, drink coffee, giggle with tom, pack up, walk until lunch, chill, eat. Walk. Chill. Swim. Walk. Eat. Bump into friends. Laugh. We hiked through hail and lightning two days ago. Stopped into Truckee for a quick fuel up and ate at Jaxx’s Truckee diner. Loved it. Such a cute old-time downtown area. Visiting all these little towns is a major highlight of the trip. Time to walk again. I love my new body. It’s where it should be.
August. Date? Day? Nor Cal- The armpit of the PCT
In Ashland. Hotel life. Rental car. Friends. Grateful. Looks like forest fire season is in full swing. There is a fire by crater lake that has the trail closed. Really unfortunate because crater lake is one the major highlights of Oregon. Its tempting to skip up 150 miles to get above the fire and away from the smoke. The smoke, the smoke is so bad when it settles around you. My eyes burn, throat gets scratchy, coughing, difficulty breathing, zero views. Its like hiking in a thick fog. No views of the mountains half a mile in front of your face. Northern California was a real mind fuck. It was like the fun of hiking was taken away. I was hot. Tired. Hurting. And not getting any rewards at all. It was like being thrown back in the desert for 3 weeks, but it was hotter and more humid. There were less friends and fun because we spread out and hiked longer days. Blisters came back in full force. So hard. Really hard. The thing that would keep me moving forward some days was the promise of crossing a road and getting a hitch into a town- where I would stay in bed for 2 days only to get up to eat and pee.
Northern California, the armpit of the PCT.
The part of NorCal that was beautiful and scenic was so socked in with smoke, I have no idea what I actually hiked through.
At this point we are hiking on average 25-mile days. I started hating the pct around the halfway mark. 1325 Chester and started liking it again as I crossed the border into Oregon at about 1700. So I was struggling for 300 miles, or for a solid 2 weeks.
It’s like the hike became work. But that’s changing now. Thank god. I want to like it.
Oct 21, POST TRAIL. I miss it
16 days done. I miss it. I long for it. I fell in love with it again and stayed in love through Oregon and Washington. I wish I could have written while I was hiking. I carried this journal all through Oregon and then just left it in Portland once we got there because it was apparent that I wouldn’t be writing until the trail was done. We started hiking so much. A run against time. In Oregon we’d hike anywhere from 25-35 miles a day. We’d do 22-30 in California. But one day in Oregon we started pushing the miles. It was easier to do. Much easier. Just cruzin before dawn and often into the night. And taking less breaks. Oregon though, I found to be fun again. I was thrilled to be hiking in familiar territory and we were around more friends again. Beaver stayed with us for most of the state and we took breaks around a new crew for a couple of weeks. Lovely people. Wonder Woman, Snooze, Pie, Roulette, Pumpkin, Night Walker, Kett, Beaver. It was good. And we had so many little stops in Oregon that lifted our spirits- little resorts- nothing huge and fancy- but warm coffee and burgers. Ashland to Crater Lake o wait! Just out of Ashland we hiked 16 miles to this gem in the woods- Greenspring’s Inn. OMG. Porch dining. Amazing burgers. Cowboy camping on a green lawned amphitheater, an amazing breakfast and a short cut back to the trail putting us right on schedule as if we hadn’t taken the morning off to gorge ourselves on pancakes and scrambles and unlimited coffee.
Crater Lake. We got in at 10 pm after an amazing push into the night- because town does that to you! Half day to play up at the lake. Then had to score a ride to the trail 25 miles up due to fire closure. Devilfish to the rescue. Took a dinner break 2 days later at Elk Lake Resort. Yes! Beautiful lake, excellent food! Some guy bought our whole table a round of drinks! Big Bear Youth Camp. OMG! YES! So good there. Hiked 16 miles with zero breaks to get in at 1:30 for a shower and chill time then ended up staying all night. Had dinner in the dining hall with Christian camp counselors and like 10 or 15 hikers. Same for breakfast. Hiked out of there in high spirits only to be confronted with a rainstorm I would never dare walk in ever- but did! 20 miles no break completely soaked head to toe. It took nearly 2 hours to stop shaking in my bag. So cold. Olallie Lake! So charming. A primative store without power, but hot coffee and a porch overlooking the lake and Mt Jefferson. What an amazing morning. Then onto Timberline Lodge. Finally got a chance to stay there. I was in heaven. It’s funny how the hike became so much about the towns and stops, but it did. I loved all of the stops. A peek into places I’d otherwise never go. A chance to interact with local folks and communicate with other hikers.
I don’t know if I’ve loved anything in my life as much as this particular experience. I’ve been happy about what I was doing before, but this felt different. I wasn’t always happy or having fun, but I felt impressed by me, proud of me, accomplished, and a part of something insane. Who thru hikes??? Only crazy people. It’s insane. But god, I love being insane.
I’m home now. In love with my body. Terrified it’ll go to shit again. Obsessed with the idea of hiking again and broke broke broke.
The day after finishing I cried like someone I loved had died. It felt like that.
I can’t imagine a life that doesn’t involve more adventures like this. Life needs to be changing all of the time. It kind of scares me for having kids. I’m starting to think it’s not in the cards for me even though I always thought it would be. How can I be free and fluid with that sort of responsibility? Maybe that would just be the next adventure. I could keep it interesting I could become a business owner. I could still hike.
One thing I know for sure is that I can’t live in Michigan. It’s just too flat. I think I could live in a small town; I don’t need the city so much anymore, but I need mountains and wilderness nearby.
I miss Tom. I love him. I miss Kett even though he wasn’t my boyfriend. I guess I love him, too.
I need an active job. An outdoor job.
Oct 26, POST TRAIL. being in the woods felt safe
21 days post PCT. 3 weeks. If I hopped on the trail would I be able to go 25 miles, or have I already softened? It’s so flat here in Michigan that I haven’t been able to include going up and down inclines when I run or walk. And the memories of my trip are fading the way memories do. The good thing about being away from Portland is that it doesn’t have the sadness of “this isn’t the trail” tied so much to it. I feel ready to be there again, to rejoin the hustle.
I feel lucky. So many people have helped me with this hike before during and after. Leah and Gram have a room for me at their house rent free for a month, maybe longer. Sara and Matt have space for me. Shawn, Jacob. So much support. And my mom is helping so much. Paying my bills. Housing me.
My PCT experience wasn’t a solitary experience. I have more time alone in town, back in life, it seems. Even when I was alone for stretches during the day on trail I wasn’t completely. I had Tom to worry about and keep track of. The PCT for me was more of a journey into full-on partnership and collaboration, compromise and community.
Distance, space, scale has changed so much for me. What once was far feels so close. Hills now look flat, fields small. It’s odd. It’s like everything I was familiar with has shrunk
I really thought I would have things of greater significance to say or write about when all was said and done. But it’s kind of blank. More like a “was that real?” I want to continue to live an extraordinary life and to find ways to challenge myself that make me feel alive.
Being in the woods felt safe. Being in the city feels scary, unsafe, loud, unpredictable, yeah- just scary. In the woods I felt safe. Cared for by others. Away from people that would want to hurt you. I felt like I was part of life. The patterns and the cycles. I would die and be a part of the earth- not blocked from it.
On the PCT I was doing what I wanted to do. Good day or bad. It was easier to push myself because I had a goal. A purpose. A drive. It wasn’t clouded. It was always clear. And it was simple. Walk. Everything so simplified. Stress wasn’t erased but easy to identify where it was coming from. Everything made more sense because everything was in a simple state. Was I unhappy? Ok. Why? Well, because my feet hurt, and I need to eat. In life, if I felt unhappy it would be and is so much harder to pinpoint. Out on the trail I felt things very strongly. But they made sense to me. I felt joy, sorrow, happiness, anger, frustrations, glee, contentedness. It all made sense. I knew what I was feeling and why. But here, I don’t always know.
Oct 25th, POST TRAIL. so antsy
So antsy. So ready to hit the road. I felt bored in MI. I know that makes mom sad. She wants me to have fun and like my time here. It’s almost better to be here a short time. That way the days are crammed with activities.
Everyday little things will happen that trigger memories from things on the trail.
Like last night dad was slightly drunk and being annoying so I couldn’t sleep. That triggered a memory of sharing a tent with Kett in Sierra City and a bunch of hikers were rowdy and drunk at midnight. Waking me up. I was so annoyed. Kett was so calm and forgiving (probably because he’s usually the one drunk). Sierra City was great. Such a small little town surrounded by mountains, rivers, and lakes. Country store with a big front porch. Free camping on a slanted lot next to the church. An old hard of hearing man making coffee and giving us food next door. All we needed to be happy was access to real food and drinks and a spot to sit and commune with hikers. And locals. We ended up staying 2 nights. We were going to hike out at 3 after lunch and a river swim but after packing up, we stayed. The other hikers really were the biggest source of joy out there. It was so good to share the exhaustion, the pains, the beauty with other people.
It felt so good being a part of such a huge journey with so many others. We could be out on the trail for days and only come across a few people or no people and then roll into a town and be around 20 other hikers in various states of relaxation.
Sometimes that meant taking over booths at cafes for hours or stealing the only shade around from under the umbrellas of a pizza place or hanging out in rain gear at the laundry mat. The best laundry experience was when we got bathrobes at Timberline while we did our laundry. Such luxury.
We finished the hike in 160 days. We had 20 zeros. 4 times they were clumped. 2 in Mojave, 2 zeros in Mammoth, 2 zeros in Tahoe, 3 zeros in Portland. One zero in Washington. 5 zeros in Oregon because of Ashland and Portland. 14 in California. The further north we got the less zeros in town. But we’d time it so we’d roll into town around noon or 4pm and then leave the next day around noon. Worked well.
November 14. POST TRAIL. hungry for more
Back in Portland and getting back into the groove will not be super easy. Once I’m there it should be ok. Got back in last night after a long drive back. The drive back to Portland felt more tiring than the one on the way to the parents. I think about hiking the PCT again, this time solo. It excites me and terrifies me at the same time. The freedom that comes from being alone is like a drug to me. To answer to no one except myself- to do what I want without compromise. The terrifying part is the absence of shared laughter. Tom, more often than not, made the mundane fun. He made tiny tasks entertaining. He made waking up hilarious. The comfort that came with always having someone to share a meal with was unmatchable. To share my misery with and smile through it. Unmatchable. How would I fair solo? The pleasure of Tom’s company was a huge morale booster. Could I complete a thru hike on my own? Would I be able to push myself to keep going without the promise of the first-hand in the face love and support of Tom? I don’t think I give him enough credit for how he helped me do the hardest thing I’ve ever done.
I keep trying to repeat daily that I just did something really hard. I did an impossible thing. Because right now life, just basic life stuff, seems really hard and unbearable. I don’t want to start a new job. I don’t want to write a resume. I don’t want to have to make big choices. I don’t want to feel settled. I can do these things and do them well. I can pay off my debt, find a way to live cheaply, save money towards the next big thing I do. What is that next big thing? I’m hungry for more adventure. Bigger goals. One thing I’ve noticed that the PCT did was shift my focus away from a man and family. I almost don’t want to meet anyone because they will be a distraction from where I want to go in my life.
I like that having a guy in my life is actually not a primary goal right now. Like for real. It’s usually always a driving force and it’s not right now. And I think that’s because for the first time I feel like I really have something driving me, a goal for my life that doesn’t need a guy in it for it to be complete. And I’m thankful not to have kids because they dictate your options. It’s a nice place to be. To really be planning for me, as a single person, and fully accepting that I’m a single person and appreciating it.
The PCT gave me purpose, goals, direction, and simplified life. It made me feel healthy, fit, and connected to the earth and people. It made me feel alive. I was uncomfortable a lot of the time and that created overwhelming gratitude for the smallest comforts. I want to simplify my life and hold onto these lessons.
November 19th POST TRAIL. adjusting
I really need a job. It’s been a month and a half post trail and it’s about time I make some money. The only way I’m afloat right now is because of mom’s help with bills, aunt holly’s help, and grandpa’s help. And then there are the free places I get to stay. Without all of this support I’d be screwed. No one seems to be hiring. I’m tempted to look into seasonal work in other towns but being around friends is pretty good for me. I’m subbing at Sip, back in the smoothie game. That’ll help. Even just 2 days a week there will keep me afloat for a while. Just need to calm down and keep talking to people I know about work.
Went on a tinder date and it felt fun. Just went with the mentality that I’m lucky to get to meet a new person. Second date didn’t feel as strong- not as connected. But I try to remind myself that it doesn’t have to be anything with anyone. Just two people spending time together. Keep it simple. Go with the flow.
Life is wild. I am wild. Love will find me. I don’t have to search for it. I am filled with love, it’s everywhere.
It seems like there are so many options for things to do in the future but meanwhile there are no options and I’m stuck.
Every once and a while I get a flood of anxiety rushing through about to take over and then I hear myself say “you’ve faced harder obstacles” and if I fail it’s ok. There’s room to fail and get back up.
I don’t know if the PCT was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. It was hard, but I don’t know if I can call it the hardest. Mainly because while it was hard, I was still doing something I wanted to do, and I was where I wanted to be. It’s easier to push on through the hard stuff when you are there by choice and you know you’ll be a better person in the end for it.
It felt like such a selfish life. It only really served me. Maybe becoming a better version of myself serves others in a roundabout way but I was living for me. The fact that people respected and supported me anyway was huge. So huge. I felt so filled with love.
I wasn’t out there making the world a better place or even the planet. I was treading all over the forest, pissing and shitting my way through it and maybe taking form it. But maybe the wind and trees and flowers felt fulfilled as they were making me whole. I like to think that they could feel me walking through.
When I talk to people about wanting to hike the trail again, I start to feel a little doubt- like I’m crazy. They respond with a why? Or “you know there are other trails” or “really??” none of which makes me trust anything I’m thinking. There are other trails. Am I just wanting to try and recreate an experience? Am I not dreaming big enough?
The way job hunting feels I don’t expect to have enough money set aside to hike the trail this year, but I could in two years’ time. A year and a half technically.
Backpacking trips without a driving goal don’t sound as appealing to me right now. I want the struggle and community that comes with long trails.
I feel this urgency to do all of these trails soon- like NOW- because I have the freedom to do so and the body that will let me.
November 25th, POST TRAIL. I want to do it again
…every day I’m hit with little memories of the hike. Triggered by random little things. And they feel like such little blessings. How lucky am I? I got to live in the wilds this summer and my friends and family helped me do it. People believed in me and wanted to see me happy. I still can’t believe what I did, and I can’t believe I want to do it again. It seems that I don’t like to do a new thing just once. I want to revisit it and really get to know it. Nothing will ever compete with seeing the trail for the first time. All the unknowns were so exciting. The next time around there would only be the familiar. But there are new things to experience and learn from in the revisiting, in the familiar. Would it be as fun? Would hiking in northern California feel better or worse? Would I just miss Tom? Would I sleep poorly being on my own?
December 2nd, POST TRAIL. remembering those days
…when I was driving, I had memories of the hike pop into my head and they made me smile.
I remember standing on a rock in the middle of a rushing creek, surrounded by mosquitoes- like totally swarmed- hundreds of them- those fuckers really were making the hiking miserable, couldn’t stop to pee without them going nuts on you- hundreds, and I was on a rock trying not to fall into the water, swatting, screaming at the top of my lungs, and then running and cursing. We had been looking for a way upstream to cross on a log or something so we wouldn’t have to take shoes off and ford. I guess tom was with biscuit and cold bear when they heard me screaming. They looked at each other and were like “Should we go back?” and Tom was like “No, keep going! Save yourselves!” It was just absolutely nuts.
I remember the last day of the hike before the border. Tom and I were ahead of the crew all day except for Kett who was ahead, and the camp spot had been up in the air. We didn’t see any of our friends all day and I started to get so sad thinking that we’d come all this way together and we might not finish together. Not that Tom wasn’t nice to be around, but it just felt like so sad. I really wanted to share that with people I loved. We strolled up to where we decided to camp near dusk and heard a “kooooweeee!” It was Kett waiting for us. He waited!! I was ecstatic. Tom was thrilled. We were both so happy, we were both hugging Kett, just so happy he waited to end with us. We started setting up camp, assuming the others had stopped at a lake a few miles back because it was getting dark. The energy had completely shifted. We were giddy, filled up, excited. Picking out the flattest spot in the area never felt so good. Then we heard hikers- thinking they were a group we passed earlier. I freaked out when I saw it was Cold Bear, Biscuit, Beaver, and Judd Step! All my people! We were all so giddy and jumping up and down. Together! Finishing together! We shared dinner around a fire that night and woke up the next morning in the icy cold singing. Together. Excited. In love with each other and the trail.
The falls. Ha! The falls. Not waterfalls, those were nice, but literal falls. I remember turning my head to smile at Tom as we were hiking and talking. I bit it so hard. The trail was so clear. I tripped on the smallest root or maybe my own foot? Just fell right over like a tree. Could not stop laughing.
Or the one day on Hat Creek Rim when I was so exhausted that a joke in my head made me laugh hysterically for 15 minutes. Tears streaming down my face. Could not talk. Every time I tried to say what the joke was to Tom, I’d squeal and just start laughing like someone who was just given laughing gas or was stoned.
Or the time Tom’s foot was bothering him just a day out of Kennedy meadows and he was walking slower than a mile and hour and I cried. I cried and cried. I thought we were fucked. I didn’t know if we’d have to split up because his injuries kept coming.
December 19, POST TRAIL. feeling heavy, feeling fear
…last night and most of yesterday I just felt so dead inside. Just so…blah. Just this overwhelming sense of “I don’t want to be here, or anywhere, doing regular things.” I laid down to go to bed and almost cried. Such a heavy, sad feeling of aloneness and sadness knowing that I have to do regular life for a while. It’ll probably feel better once I’m more comfortable with my new jobs and regular money starts to come in. Being single feels really big here, too. So many of my friends are coupled up now. I hate that I can’t just do what I want while I have the drive- to hike the PCT in May. What if things just keep happening that keep me off the trail and I never get to thru hike again? I’m paranoid that I’ll meet someone and fall in love and then not be able to follow through with a solo hike in the way that I want to do it. Which is silly because I’m sure if I fall in love I’ll be pretty fucking happy about that. I’m also freaked out that if I don’t do it now I’ll end up with a baby and not be able to hike a long-distance hike. I mean, I’m 33. If I want a baby, I should probably do that before I’m 40. Why was I so happy all summer- even when I was miserable? Was it because of the walking? Or because of being with Tom? Or because of my summer fling with Kett? Without the fun that came from the social side of things, would I be so connected to this whole thing? I don’t even know because all of my hiking has been very social. In Guatemala I was with Tom and Juice and Murray and other hikers. I loved it so much. I loved getting from one place to the next with my legs and having everything I needed with me.
I think that fear of meeting someone is there, too, because I’m really set on wanting to do a thru hike solo. And if I meet someone, even if it doesn’t keep me from going, it will change the hike. They’ll be on my mind. I’ll miss them. They will influence how I relate to other hikers even without being there. I’d love to meet someone that would be interested in backpacking long trails with me. I want to share that with my partner. But I want to do it all by myself first! It’s hard to believe that there’s anyone here for me anyway because nothing has been magical in the past here. I can’t help it, but I can’t shake the feeling that I’m bound to meet someone when I’m out doing things that I love. Not here. Not grabbing drinks. Not working. But out in the world doing things I love to do.
December 21, POST TRAIL. mom advice: make it happen
Talked to mom on the phone last night for a while. She’s pretty fantastic and really wants her kids to be totally happy. I was hashing out how I felt about my life, what I really wanted to do with my time – how I so very badly don’t want to do regular life right now – and she gets it and supports the extreme. She’s like- get out there and make it happen! Work 80 hours a week for the next 4 months if you have to and know that when you are miserable it’s building towards a summer doing what you really want to do. Make it happen. She said, “your life right now should be focused on three things only:
Work.
Exercise.
Sleep.”
I was surprised she didn’t come at it with a “hike in 2017, give yourself time to get set financially.” Pretty much she was like – you don’t need to be set financially because you always have a free place to live with your family. She just kept saying do it. Make it happen. Be miserable. Tough it up. Work hard and get busy doing what you want to do. Well ok then. Thanks, mom, for the pep talk.
January 19, 2016 POST TRAIL/PRE TRAIL!
Sometimes I feel so good about my choice to hike again and other times I feel so weird about it. Like I can’t really believe this is my life and I’m play acting and people think I’m crazy. It almost feels like there’s shame doing the same trail a second time.
There are just so many good options. Hike the PCT all summer. Awesome (or just the first 1000 miles). Stay in Portland, live in a trailer or small room in a share house, only work post mates so that I can hike and travel all summer. Pacific Northwest Trail. Mt. Adams. Mt. Rainier. Northern Cascades. 100-mile wilderness in Main. Time with my new nephew.
March 12, 2016 POST TRAIL/PRE TRAIL! it will be so different
…honestly the yearning I was feeling back in November and December for the trail has gone and been replaced with a more practical feeling, a “there’s nothing else I want to do sooooo here I go towards what I know brings me fulfillment,” but it feels outside of me because I’m so deep in my cycle of wake, sleep, work, that the things in the future, the stuff I’m working towards, doesn’t have much time to take over my emotions. I don’t know. I do know it’s what I want to do. Whenever I get a new piece of gear, I get really excited, genuinely excited to a point where it surprises me.
I’m really afraid, too. It feels like doing something I’ve never done before even though I just did it. I’m going to miss my trail family. I’m going to miss Tom’s partnership. I have no idea how long it will take for me to bond with some other hikers. I imagine it will be quicker than last time because having Tom around kind of kept me from getting close to other hikers for the first 200 miles. We really did keep to ourselves to a large extent until after Big Bear. It’ll be so different. I need to remind myself that that’s ok and really is the point: to push and challenge myself on my own. A solitary experience in the wilds, going with my gut, pushing myself for me, listening to my inner voice. Crying. Pushing. It’s easy to forget that the hike was hard. I remember the good and easy bits. But it was really hard, too. I’m afraid loneliness will make me doubt being out there. Last year I never doubted that hiking the PCT was what I wanted to do. It just felt like I was exactly where I wanted to be. I’d meet people struggling with thoughts of getting off the trail and I never understood it because I knew I wanted to be there. In NorCal I wanted to skip ahead so badly. Almost did. But even then, always knew I wanted to be on trail. I hope that clarity is still there for me. It’s the best, absolute best feeling to be where you know you want to be.
I get to buy my tent this weekend. Waiting for the 20% off sale to start. So very excited. That’s my last piece of gear. I’m already feeling confused about post trail 2016 life. I know I’ll need to make money. I know I’ll want to spend time with Jared’s kids and Brain’s baby. I know I want to keep my life simple and to not own a lot of things. But I don’t know what to do or where to be. I don’t want to get sad and chubby again. I want to bring the things I love about trail life into town life- simplicity, feelings of accomplishment, drive, peace about where I am, community, a rockin’ bod. I love my hiking body. I have to remind myself that I’m not fat, that I’m still thin, just not as thin as when I was hiking in Washington.
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