Day 57, hail no
Hiked 13 miles
Started the day right with a steaming hot dark roast coffee with a shot of espresso in it along with some heavy whipping cream. Yes. Yes always. The boys, Beats, Tex, Chef, and IBTAT drive by the shop in the back of a truck just as I’m finishing up- driven by the sweet lady that runs the inn we were at. I hopped in for a ride to the trailhead with the boys.
By 10am, we were off.
I could feel my heart pounding heavier and faster than normal. Thanks 10k feet. Thanks pack with ice axe, micro spikes, and extra food. But the views. the views! Worth it. Seriously so incredibly lovely to walk on a ridge and look down into the valley where we spent our days off, all different shades of green, filled with life and vibrant reflections from the sun.
It feels good to be on trail, looking at pretty things, running and hiding from thunderstorms and hail, breaking with familiar faces. The last part of the day was all about dodging thunderstorms and lightning. Right before we hit the highest point on trail, dark clouds and thunderstorms moved in, so I set up my fast fly to hunker down and wait it out. No use in being on an exposed ridge during a thunderstorm. About a half hour of hail later, we packed up and hiked on, only to see that we stayed pretty exposed for a few miles and there was more lightning moving in fast in the distance.
Beats and I cut a trail a little lower to at least be lower than the ridge and surrounding small trees. When the hail started and the lightning was almost directly above, we called it and popped up our tents in a little slanted cove of trees. Money, Chef, and Toby showed up in the storm and set up, too.
We are slightly shy of our 15 mile mark, so we aren’t camped with the others we set out with. I’m hoping we catch up to the other half of the crew (Tex mainly) before the day is done tomorrow. I’m setting my alarm for 3am. I hear alpine starts are what’s been working for people on the passes.
Day 58, I can’t sustain this
Hiked 14.5 miles
Holy fuck. Today was really hard. Hard in the way that makes you wonder why you’re doing it. Yeah, there were beautiful views, but when I’m so exhausted and overwhelmed with the amount of effort I’m going to have to put out, I have a hard time appreciating it.
Never caught up to Tex, but I probably would have held him back anyway. He’s got such long legs. I was post holing the whole second half of the day up to my knees and groin. Feet soaked. Face burnt. Exhausted. My body is doing ok, it’s working so well for the shit I’ve put it through.
Stuck in snow. Climb out of snow. Fall in snow. Fall in snow that has a foot of water under the surface. Moan. Fight the snow. Look for routes with dry land. All above 11k. I’m. So tired. We woke up at 3, hiked by 4:30am. The first part of the day was actually nice, but still super slow going. We hiked for 15 hours today, got 15 miles, took only 2 breaks. I can’t do this everyday. Like, if I have to work this hard everyday, I just, I don’t know if I have it in me.
Day 59, I actually enjoyed myself
Hiked 8 miles
Holy. What a 180 from yesterday. 4:30 am start, incredible mountain traverses, two passes, the longest glisade I’ve ever done, and camp set up sometime shortly after 2 pm. I mean. Wow. I NEEDED this today.
Got started hiking out of camp with Money and this gal Toby (she’s a lil one, only 19) and this guy — that I met earlier in the trail. We started off going the wrong way in the dark, which is easy to do when the trail is covered in snow. And right away, I was just rubbed wrong by our dynamic. He didn’t communicate in a way that worked for me or felt fun, so once we were back on trail, I kept my distance as best I could.
The trail today was stunning and I was actually enjoying myself. I wasn’t post holing every 2 seconds and the sunrise from 12k feet was breathtaking. It was one of those “this is why we do this” sort of moments.
We climbed and climbed up to this crazy snow covered bowl that we had to traverse. One wrong slip and it would be down down down for 1,000 feet. My adrenaline was pumping. My ice axe was out and being used. Micro spikes on. Baby steps. I really had to breath my way through it. It was a really intense 10 minutes. Take two steps, breath deep, tell myself my footing was solid, I wasn’t falling, do not panic here, you are fine, you are good, two more baby steps. Beats had caught up at that point, he got started a little later, and he just flew over the scary part, FLEW. Dove at it head on, like it was a thing to fear but he wouldn’t let it hold him back. Hot. It was hot.
The glissade we did at the 7 mile marker, I’m not joking, we lost at least 1,000 feet doing it! So fucking wild and fun and wow just really made you feel like you were living a good life. The only sketchy part was near the end, you had to stop glissading and change course, hugging the nearly vertical snowy face to avoid rocks and a small river running under a snow bridge. I did it with confidence, but my heart was pumping there, too. I waited for Toby there to help direct her, which I’m glad I did because she froze like a deer in headlights. What took all of us 2 minutes to do took her 15 with a shit ton of coaching. It was a little stressful. Always hard to be in challenging situations with someone that has zero, absolutely zero, experience and freezes up. Dangerous really. A bit frustrating.
When we got to the bottom, dark clouds were collecting over the mountains surrounding us, so we opted to wait it out a bit and see what the weather planned to do. –, Money, and Toby went off to find a better spot to camp and I, trying to get some space, feeling annoyed by the group think and efforts to collaborate, set my fast fly up in a slanty ass spot to wait out the storm.
Beats ended up staying with me, we made hot coco and sat in my fast fly chatting, getting to know each other past just hiking shit. Come to find out we both really just needed some space to chill. After an hour, we said fuck it, let’s camp.
Oooo it’s going to be so good to get this much sleep!! Up again tomorrow at 3am to hike by 4.
Beats and I both miss Tex, and even Chef. It would be so nice to be here camped with them, laughing, shooting the shit.
Today made me feel like I could hike in the San Juan’s. Yesterday, I saw that I was capable but didn’t know if I could maintain that amount of exertion. I was exhausted. So exhausted. My muscles didn’t ache by I felt like I could hardly move.
Day 60, lighting in a wide open alpine field
Hiked 9 miles
Hiking out here is nuts.
Gorgeous views today. Hiked with Beats in eye shot all day long. Two insane glissades. Lots of pretty breaks. One thunderstorm with hail and lightning when we were up at 12500 feet in a field. We huddled in my tent for 2 hours to let it pass. Got that fucker set up in record time, crawling in just as the hail started coming down. Talked. Hoped lightning wouldn’t strike. Snuggled to keep warm. Body heat really makes a difference. Still a lot of snow today but maybe an equal mix of clear trail and off trail hiking to avoid the snow. Lucky to get 1.5 miles hiked in an hour. It’s just so much slower going. Thankful for Beats. It’s been good to hike with him. Money and Toby left the red line for a lower route. Tex is somewhere ahead, probably fine. And Chef had to bail earlier because of altitude illness. It’s just me and Beats.
Day 61, finally! some snow free trail
Hiked 18 miles
Glory glory hallelujah there was clear trail today for a huge portion of the day.
Plenty of post holing to start the day, I even had a little temper tantrum at one point when I ripped my knee open after post holing over and over. Temper tantrum: screaming/growling/profanities. But besides that, the day was absolutely great.
Had my breaks with Beats and hiked at my own pace today, often just me and the insane views. So many long ridge walks today, thousands of feet to drop with one wrong step on the rocks. Reminded me of NorCal in some bits.
Beats filled up my cup today just being a damn good hiking friend. Told me how much he’s enjoyed hiking with me, how much he appreciated me sticking by him during this section. He also said he thought the night we camped near dead trees was actually the night we died…that we have just been living in heaven together the past 2 days. I like that thought.
Day 62, to Pagosa Springs Please
Hiked 5.5 miles
Had a great night’s sleep practically on the trail because there was literally nowhere else within a couple of miles to pop up a tent due to snow or a cliff. Got rolling up the final climb before Pagosa nice and steady, deep breaths and killer views. The 5 miles went by quickly and I found myself at the highway some time around 9:30. Grabbed an easy ride into town from a fella named Robert and got a big hug from Tex, ate a breakfast burrito, and Tex came wtih me as I sought out a good cup of coffee.
Lost and Found, trail pal from pct 15, lives in town. She met up with Tex and I for a coffee and handed off her car keys so I could run errands while she was at work. What a score!
It was a great day in Pagosa. Drinks with Lost, dinner, all the good things.
Day 63, Pagosa Zero
Zero miles hiked
What a great zero!!!
Coffee, errands, clinic for butt chaffe issues, soaking in some roof top hotspring pools, drinks, dinner at a fancy and funky steak house, booze, bed. All the pals, all the fun, and all thanks to the hook ups and hospitality of Lost and Found.
Day 64, pa GO no!
Zero miles hiked
Zero, update blog, coffee, walks, weird allergic reaction to I don’t know what. My right eye ball swelled (literally the eyeball) and was all red and itchy. woof.
Day 65, big feelings
another Zero.
How it’s turned out that I’m zeroing in Pagosa again, I’m not quite sure, but I am. Honestly I know, it was all about sticking with Beats because that is what made the next section sound fun for me and less daunting. I checked in with him earlier in the day about hitting the mountains together to make sure I wasn’t coming across clingy or cramping his solo hiking style. He denied that. Said something along the lines of us complimenting each other well out there. I felt good about it. Money and M were on board to hit it as a crew. A team for the section that felt a little too big for me to go at alone.
And then, there was a big switch in his mood, a switch that had nothing to do with me, but seriously cut deep. Deep wells of pain springing from past hurts. He got mad at M for something rude she did and then started packing up his stuff like he was going to go out on trail alone. It was tense. I gave him a few minutes of space and walked over to where he was packing on the porch, asked if he was really leaving. He heatedly starting talking about this not being a team, that this was fucked up, and I interjected a confused “but what about me?” I honestly can’t even remember the response. Just a couple words. Ultimately, I felt like nothing. A nobody. He changed his mind, was doing his own thing without me.
So I got up, went for a walk, sat by the river for an hour and thought about what I was feeling. What was I feeling? I was really hurt. I felt dependent in a way that bothered me. I felt like I used to feel when all I would do was show love and kindness to D or to J and they would slap me in the face with a YOU DONT MATTER response. It triggered something in me. That feeling I used to get following around or having to be near people that I adore that can turn away from me when their mood changes…and I lost it. I cried. Instantly, I decided I wanted to be independent from that feeling. Seeing as I can’t confidently get out ahead and walk alone on the high route in the San Juan’s, I figured, well, if I was by myself choosing for myself I would be going on the Creed cutoff. It’s what I thought I would do before I started the trail anyway because of timing for work. The thought in the midst of my tears, when I was wounded and reacting to a deeper past pain, of being alone on the trail, not relying on the partnership of someone I liked being with, was so calming that I went with it. I wasn’t interested in partnering with just M- our hiking styles were so different. Money was a wild card. He bailed from the last section, who knew what he would do in this one. Knowing Beats was taking the red line was a big factor in me choosing to do it rather than the Creed cut off. Spending 2 extra days in Pagosa to hike with him is why I’m still here. But that feeling of not being needed or wanted…yeah I snapped and decided to run. Run run run towards another route. So. I went to the post office and mailed my huge ass food buy up to Creed. Made my decision without finding anyone, without talking, because I didn’t want anyone to influence my decision.
I don’t want to be the person anymore that pours love on people that don’t necessarily want or need my love…the person that sticks around when she’s not wanted or a priority. I did that all of my 20’s. No need to keep that pattern going.
Feeling blue. Tex is gone. I won’t be hiking with Beats. My hope is that in taking the Creede cutoff I’ll get back into my groove of feeling independent, strong, and driven. And also that I’ll sync back up with Spider Monkey and Fire Hazard. I think that would put us on a similar timeline to hike together. I liked hiking with them. Good people. Silly. No drama. Kind. It just makes me super sad. This whole thing. I felt terrible telling M that I was going to go on the Creede cutoff. She’s been waiting around for someone to hike out with, in that same mode of knowing it’s safer to hike in a small group here than to tackle it solo but struggling with the feeling of needing to find people, not just go when she feels like going.
In a way I’m proud of myself for choosing what I know is emotionally the right call for me, it feels like I’m getting stronger and applying what I’ve learned from past relationships. I’m able to identify what I’m feeling faster and make a call. Really this feels a lot like how I did with J that first summer of –. Loved being around him, but when his behavior started hurting me, I felt like I couldn’t separate myself from it, nor did I really want to, because of work and proximity and a craving for his presence in my life. But here, I actually can separate myself from it. I can take an alternate. Save myself from loving on someone that doesn’t feel the same. Save myself from the feeling of following him around. Save myself from myself.
Funny though, there’s this little shadow of doubt. Maybe I overreacted. Maybe I really do want to hike the San Juans. Maybe I don’t. I didn’t care before there was anyone else’s input. My ego is also coming up. I want to be seen in the hiking community as one of the hikers that went big. But if I were alone, and I always truly am, there are no binding agreements, and if no one was watching and commenting, I would go the shorter and lower route. Maybe I’m not as badass as I thought I was. Would I have skipped the Sierra if there was an alternate? Who knows. No. No I wouldn’t have.
I could have just pressed on with my plan to hike the red and partnered with M, but I don’t see us as partnering well. And when I was upset, I didn’t want that at all. I wanted to be far far away. I wanted to be alone in the woods. I wanted to feel completely and totally independent. Solo. Unattached. No group think. No partners. No co-planning.
Interesting how past pain in your life can influence current pain. Maybe if I’d never been bruised by N. By D. By J. Even recently by C. God, I even had this with — on trail. Maybe if men I cared for had never been mean to me when they were angry, maybe I would have reacted differently. Maybe if I wasn’t so sensitive and didn’t take everything so personal, I would have let it roll off and known that it had nothing to do with me. Absolutely nothing. That he has his own issues and I happened to be at the wrong place at the wrong time while he dealt with it. That I have people to hike with, maybe not who I chose to originally, but I would be safe and cared for, and that his mood would pass. He could come and go from my life as he pleased and it wouldn’t matter because I was, I AM, independent. I am strong. His moods are his moods and they don’t fucking have to matter.
I think I thought I was more valued than I was, than I am. I don’t know. Should probably talk to him but I’m afraid I’ll just cry. I hate looking wounded in front of people when I’m not sure they value me. Makes me feel weak and needy.
Well, did I get all my feelings out? Not sure. Do I trust myself? Trust my feelings? Not sure about that either. Am I just a compilation of past hurts? Some people become super guarded and never get vulnerable, some people just run away and dive into self reliance after diving into the heart and getting slightly burned? What’s my deal? What’s wrong with me? What’s right with me?
Long story short, I thought we were hitting the mountains together. He got mad at someone else, changed his plan, and dropped me in the process. He apparently apologized to her a few hours later but has not sought me out. This makes me think that I am not important to him in the way that he is to me and so I want to get far far far away before I put my heart out there again, before I start to care even more for him. Obviously this is more than friendship feels for me and that’s probably the biggest source of the pain. I want to feel loved and valued. I don’t. It’s beyond hiker pal feels. It’s up a notch on the friendship spectrum.
Being alone in the woods will give me the space to remember that I have friends that love and value me. I have family that loves and values me. No, I do not have a special someone that loves and values me, I don’t have “a person” but that is ok. It’s been ok in the past and can be ok now. It’s just going to take me a minute.
Oooo linz. Why am I so sensitive? Why? I guess I have a lot to think about as I walk.
Day 66, bad mentals
Hiked 5 miles
My mentals aren’t in a good way. I just. I don’t know. I feel overwhelmed. Exhausted. Indecisive. Last night Money and Beats convinced me to go resupply and take the red line. Beats hadn’t hiked out. Just needed some time to cool down. Deal with his issues with M. I don’t know how they changed my mind but they did. Maybe it was purely because I was embarrassed? That ego thing again? Maybe I felt shamed for jumping over to the post office so fast? Ashamed about bailing on M and Money? Maybe I just really still want to hike with Beats. And Money. To not bail. They didn’t get it. They don’t get me. I cried and cried while we talked. Tears just pouring out. Could not explain to them. Why bother to be understood? I cry when I’m scolded. I cry when I can’t explain where I’m coming from. I cry when I’m frustrated. Embarrassed. Hurt.
Now I’m out here, resting on a fallen log because walking with this massive pack at 12k feels really fucking hard and miserable after 5 days breathing down at 7k. I just peed on my foot. I’m annoyed by the snow. I can see that it’s pretty here, but I don’t care. I don’t care at all. Money. Remember him? Yeah. He’s not even here. His phone broke at the trailhead and he bailed to go get it fixed and hike an even easier route than the Creed cutoff. The main one who’s opinion and influence had me feeling terrible about bailing on the team, bailed. He’s not even here! What’s happening to me? Do I really let other people’s behavior affect me this much? It has to be something more than that. Maybe it really is just a lack of oxygen to the brain. Maybe I hate hiking in the mountains when there’s snow and I feel like I HAVE to do it because I said I would. I hate having all of these options. I hate it.
…
And now, cozy in my tent, listening to Beats and M rummage around in theirs, I feel better. I like camping outside. I had a good meal. We had some cute little chats. Am I dreading hiking over passes in the snow? Yes. Am I capable? Yes. Will I eventually adjust and feel happy again? Yes.
Maybe all I need to focus on for the next few days as we slog through the melting snow is my strength. This is what will build my strength. Hiking up here with this heavy ass pack and challenging trail.
I also need to remind myself that my mood doesn’t have to be dependent on the moods around me. Their moods are their moods and I can easily separate myself when or if I need to.
I wonder if I’ll ever hike with Tex again? He doesn’t seem to be bothered by elevation. Just flies when the trail is clear. I miss my buddy. It felt sad seeing him blaze ahead, clearly no longer coordinating with me. I’m so independent and yet also easily latch onto certain people and crave partnership. But the second something feels yucky, I want to run run run back to my little world by myself.
Day 67, be the person you like being
Hiked 16 miles
I’m in my tent. It’s 4:38 am. Drinking Starbucks instant coffee mixed with a breakfast essential packet. My head lamp is in red mode. I can hear M and Beats doing their morning routine. Today, today I will try my damndest to be positive, to be kickass, to be strong and brave. I will push myself and give thanks for the challenge. I can do hard things. I want to be proud of myself, right? This will bring me pride. Do I like snow hiking? No. Does it challenge me? Yes. Get fucking moving babe. Do yourself proud. Be that person you like being.
Day 68, mio snowcones
Hiked 13 miles
My mood has taken a shift to the better.
Highlights before I pass out. It’s 9pm. Hiker midnight.
Awake at 4:15 to leave at 5/5:30 and then Beats and I just stayed in our tents and bags chatting instead. Left camp around 7:30.
It was just me and Beats out on trail today. M got ahead yesterday and we didn’t see any other hikers out.
First half was a bit of a slog. Seemed like the trail didn’t believe in being easy ever. Oo a downhill is coming up! O! It’s covered in snow? Crap. O look another downhill! O. It’s littered with downed trees and muddy. Cool! Steep climbs. Wet snow post holes. Mud. Down trees. But then! We climbed up into this ridge for 3 miles. Epic views. The trail felt fun. Beats made snow cones with mio. Clutch.
Day 69, knifes edge
Hiked 11 miles
Stopped 5 miles short of the goal because storm clouds were forming over the pass.
Hiking today was really beautiful, as was yesterday, so I’m starting to see why people get so geeked about the San Juan’s.
Beats and I got out of camp around 5 am, after watching a fox hunt around in the valley below as the sun rose. Started the day off with a big hug and we were off on some snow free trail to ooooo and ahhhh over the sunrise.
We hiked around the Knife’s Edge today, which on the approach looked fairly easy to manage. Promising. But when we rounded the corner, the north side still had epic nearly vertical snow fields clinging to its sides that would require some tedious traversing. One wrong move, one snowy footstep giving out, would mean tumbling hundreds of feet. No thanks. It was beyond my skill level and above what my nerves could take, so we scrambled down a steep rocky trail to the valley below and made our way back to trail a half mile later, only to be greeted by the long lost M! I thought for sure she would have been 10 miles ahead of us, but she waited hoping we would catch up. Fun little reunion. They always are. Where did you go? How far? What about that pass?
The rest of the day had some great views, tough climbs, good descents, but when you mix in snow, mud, and elevation, I struggle a bit more. An 11 mile day feels like a full day to me. I could do more, was planning on doing more, but, like I said, storm clouds above don’t really bring ya to wanting to climb up on a ridge.
We cut the day short but plan to get up tomorrow and hike by 4 am. Trail looks clear so it won’t be hard to do with head lamps. We linked up with Om, Samwise, and M today.
Day 70 , happy tears
Hiked 18.4 miles
I felt stronger today. Better able to maintain on the uphill. Granted, I still went slow and stopped to catch my breath a lot but I felt less weak.
We 5 woke up early and were on the trail by 4:15 am. It was a lovely accent, not too steep, and by the time we made it to the top of this beautiful grass covered rounded mountain top the sun was rising. She was a beautiful hue of red, which usually indicates forest fire smoke somewhere out there. The sky was free of haze as the day went on, though.
Beats and I really quickly realized that we would not be able to happily keep the pace and agenda of the other three so we fell back into our routine of leisurely breaks together rather than catch up and ask them to change their style. We dropped down into this beautiful valley with a small snaking river running through it for lunch and then made our way slowly up a 5 mile climb that had some Washington feels to it. When we crested the saddle the views of the next valley were so lovely. Beats was playing music at that point and just at the right time some pieces from the soundtrack of Braveheart came on, bringing on all the feels. I cried happy tears mixed with I don’t know what. It was so damn beautiful and I felt so lucky to be sharing it with Beats. What a gift to be able to be in these spectacular places.
We set up camp by a beautiful lake, once again with the northern Washington feels. I’m actually excited to see what else is ahead. The past two and a half days have been really gorgeous. Open ridge walks, green valleys, good water.
Day 71 & day 72, surprises
Hiked 14.5, hiked 20ish miles
I’m writing this in hindsight because in an effort to conserve battery on my phone and because I was TIRED, I didn’t get to writing the day of.
It was a weird day. Got started around 6 am, good miles in, not too hard, and at about mile 6 of the day, just when I needed a break I saw Beats chilling by a water source with M, which actually really surprised me. She had pushed on the day before, got 25 miles in, and then slept in and waited for us again. Without intending to, that really added an element to my day that made me…how do I describe it…uncomfortable? Not uncomfortable to see her, it’s always fun to come across pals outside, but uncomfortable like her hike was being altered too much by my pace. It also added complexity with “planning” where to go, how far to hike…all of the coordinating that tends to make me anxious. My hiking style matched well with Beats, but when you add M’s style into the mix, everything felt like it went to shit and made us all start wanting to go our separate ways.
When we first came across M, I could tell Beats was gently letting her know that she could push on, do her thing, to not feel held back by the way we hike. He gave her a boost of battery. He gave her an extra meal. He said something along the lines of “you’ll get to town before us, I’m sticking with her (me), but just let us know where you stay” indicating, hey, do your thing, go your pace, we will see you up the way in town. But, she stuck with us, kept waiting whenever she would get ahead, and I just wasn’t sure why because she had this urge, this energy to push forward and get her miles in.
Then, around lunch time, just before a climb, the predicted storm rolled through. We hunkered down. Beats and I had already hiked 11 miles. M was only at 5 miles for the day. Beats set up his tent. I set up my fast fly. M hung out in mine with me. The storm raged for a few hours. I slept for 3 of them.. passed out dead. And by the end of the storm, after I checked in with Beats and talked things through with M, we all went on to pursue our own agendas. Ever since I met her the first day of the trail, she’s been talking about needing to make big miles and how important finishing the trail is for her (which sometimes feels offensive, as if we aren’t all out here doing the same thing, trying to finish). From the get go, she said, in other words, that she was going slower to hang with me until I left for my vaccine in Silver City, and that she would be pushing big miles after I left. And honestly, I didn’t love that. The feeling of someone going slower on purpose just to hang did not make me comfortable. The constant reminder that someone was going to “pick up the pace” when I was gone felt, I don’t know, annoying? Like I’m glad you like me, but go do your thing. Be free. And here we are, 2 months later, and she is not ahead of me and the same thing is happening- she was slowing down to hang with me and reiterating that she was going slower and would go faster after the next town because she really wanted to make it to Canada. It made me anxious and made me feel like I needed to adjust my style to match hers, which I didn’t do, and then there is guilt involved.
Anyway. So we parted ways. Beats wanted some alone time on trail and I didn’t want to partner or coordinate with M because our hiking styles just don’t match (her pace is way faster than mine up at this elevation), so I ventured off to do my thing. After the storm cleared, I hiked from 8pm to 10:30pm and then camped. Alone. Free.
I intended to get up early on day 73, but I didn’t get moving until 7:30. Two hours later I was at Stoney Pass and I had been thinking through my options. I had 30 miles yet to go to get to Lake City.. 5 dudes just hitting the trail for a summit had filled me in on the weather report: same as the day before for 2 days, heavy storms in the afternoon. The trail was going to stay above 12k for the next 30 miles, which would mean whenever it was about to storm I was going to have to hunker down and wait it out. But wait it out where? We would be above tree line the whole time. That could cut my days to 10 to 15 miles again depending on what the weather did. I had the food for it. But, I didn’t want to deal with the fear of being struck by lightning if I had an option to take a lower route. And, I was getting antsy. I wanted to walk. I wanted some miles. When I walked up to Stoney Pass there were two fellas out on a dirt bike ride and they had a forest service map of the San Juans which gave me a super clear picture of my options. The maps I had didn’t really show what the road did after about 10 miles off trail. Well, the 520, the dirt road at Stoney Pass, paralleled the trail, was about the same distance, but went down to 9k feet. It followed the Rio Grande the whole way. And I knew right away that was what I wanted to do. I wanted to be able to walk all day. I wanted to feel safe. I wanted to get to town before the post office closed so I could mail my snow gear home and not have to burn multiple days waiting. I didn’t want to spend two days sitting out storms in my tent when I could be walking at a lower elevation.
The walk down 520 was actually really nice. I saw moose, elk, pika, marmot, and a few people drove by in their atvs, giving me folks to smile and wave to. The river banks were beautiful and green and the rocky features I dipped down into were interesting. It merely sprinkled down in the river valley, but I heard heaps of thunder and dark clouds caught on the mountain peaks above me.
One couple riding a four-wheeler I came across at the end of the day, Bill and Sandy, stopped to chat for a bit. We had a fun little convo, I found out they lived nearby, and they went off on their way with a cheerful parting. But then, 10 minutes later, they returned and said “hey we got to thinking, how would you like a hot shower?” Omg, yes! Yes yes! So. They invited me to their ranch a half mile down the way for a shower- which turned into doing my laundry, eating a delicious dinner of steak kebabs, evening sunset chats on the deck downing beers, all capped with a cozy bed to sleep in for the night with the promise of hot coffee in the morning. I couldn’t believe my luck. It felt like such a gift. I mean, it was unreal. When else does that happen? Strangers opening up their homes? Providing comfort and company, food and kindness? I just felt so elated, so filled with gratitude. Just the day before I was hiding in my tent from lightning, feeling anxious about matching other people’s hiking agendas, which prompted hiking solo down to a low route, which then led to a peaceful walk with lots of animals and a really wonderful human experience.
I needed that. Could I have made it the final 30 miles on the high route to town? Yes. I had enough food. I’m smart. I know when to hunker down, when to move. Would I have enjoyed it? Honestly, no. I don’t think so. I know I’m not out here to enjoy everything, but I’m also not out here to punish myself just to feel like I’m as good as the stronger hikers I admire. I wanted an easier, safer route. I wanted a break from the brutality and the storms. And with the CDT being full of so many options, you CAN decide to go easier when you feel like you need it. I struggle with feeling weak. Like I failed and I’m no longer a part of the elite hiker club. But. Whatever. I’ll work on not letting that determine the direction that I go.
Day 73, goodbye continuous footpath
Hiked zero miles
Hitched to Lake City
Waking up in a cozy bed at Bill and Sandy’s was so sweet. Ventured out to the kitchen at about 7 am and Bill was there, making coffee and ready to chat. He’s such an easy conversationalist. Coffee chats turned into a breakfast burrito and more coffee. And rather than walk the final 15 miles down the 520 to the main highway that runs to Lake City, Bill easily got me to accept a ride. He said he’d never tell another hiker I didn’t walk the whole road. What a gem. But I guess I’m telling on myself right now. I didn’t walk the whole road. Goodbye continuous footpath. But I did have a fun morning with Bill, he told me all of the history of the area as we drove and sent me off with good wishes.
Once I was at the main freeway, I wrote a sign for Lake City and got a ride in 2 minutes with a nice couple out for a weekend camping trip.
Rolling into Lake City felt good. I popped out of my hitch and saw a few hikers dancing out front of a motel, attempting to hitch back to trail. Good vibes. Secured myself a room and then ran some errands. Mailed off my snow gear. Did my resupply. Drank plenty of coffee. Washed my pack. Wandered the adorable town. Ate. Called mom. Ate again with Beer Goddess, Butters, and Boomerang at Southern Vitals. Catfish, ribs, shrimp, pie. Yep. Yum. Great conversation. Great food. GOOD DAY.
Day 74, lake city zero
Zero in Lake City
As much as I just wanted to stay naked in bed and sleep in, I was wide awake by 7am. I’ve been programmed by the trail to bed down early and rise early.
I wandered over to the Cafe across the street for some coffee and went back and forth on whether or not to hit the trail or give myself one more rest day. I had just started my period and was feeling really lethargic. Even though all of my chores were done, I said screw it, and booked my room for one more night thinking I’d spend the day resting and eating and maybe watch a movie or something. About an hour later, about 9:30am, I got a text from Beats. He’d rolled into town with another hiker from Portland, Cramps, and I offered to have them stay with me. They rolled in and the energy from the reunion was suuuuper fun. The “where did you go how far when how was the did you” questions and stories took some time to tell. The boys showered up and we all grabbed some lunch together.
It was a good day. Beats and I watched a ton of music videos from the Voice, had dinner at this saloon with a super good vibe and great service. Just all in all a really good town day. After dinner, we listened to comedy shorts and Beats gave me the longest back rub while Cramps occasionally laughed from the other room. What a gem of a zero day.
Day 75, soaking up all town bits
Nero out of Lake City.
Good morning Lake City, you adorable little town you.
Started the day with coffee at 7am. Updating internet stuffs. Chats with Beats.
Wandered around town a bit with Beats while he ran some errands, and then landed at the Chillin Cafe to bum internet and eat a bite.
I will never be the person to leave town fast.
We wandered slowly down the main drag over to the outfitters. Grabbed a sunscreen. Poked around. Petted a dog. And then, when we had exhausted our trips to delay leaving town, we stuck our thumbs out and got a hitch.
Grasshopper, a 75 year old former AT hiker from Alabama livin in the mountains out here for 4 months a year, gave us a ride back up into the mountains.
We sat at the trailhead for an hour, chatting, snacking, smoking, and then, when a few others rolled up from town I made my way up onto Snow Mesa.
Beats and I are camped 5 miles in, in a wide open prairie-like landscape at 12,285 feet! I’m actually excited to hike tomorrow. The trail looks fairly gentle and the weather looks good. Hoping to get my legs moving and get some miles done.
Day 76, finally, big miles
Hiked 28.4 miles.
Most miles I’ve hiked in a month? More?
The trail let me. There wasn’t anything technical and there weren’t a million blow downs or snow fields to post hole in. The first 10 miles had a lot of steep gains and losses, but after that, things were cruisey. Started at 5:30 am, didn’t get the first 10 done til noon! But then I still got to camp by 7pm.
I’m tired. Sleepy. Night.
Day 77 , totally alone
Hiked 23.5 miles
Talk about sleepy. I camped with Beats and Cramps last night. My alarm went off at 5 and I promptly rolled over and went back into a deep sleep until 7:30. I was so tired. Not sure if I’ve slept that soundly on trail in a while.
So I was alone today, behind every single person I know on this trail. That knowledge fucks with my head. Like, no one I know will walk into my camp and that feels a bit lonely. Like starting over. The only way for me to be with people I know and like is to hike my fucking ass off and even then, it’s going to take having them take an extra zero or two. Really has me feeling tempted to skip up some miles, but I struggle with feeling weak if I do that. But god, a huge part of what I like about hiking is having fun and if I’m stuck back here by myself in a bubble with no one, that’s not fun. I don’t mind hiking alone, in fact I sometimes like it a lot, but yeah, being in the rear is a place I do not like being. It makes me feel tired. Behind. Like a slow poke. Mind fuckery.
The trail was beautiful and gentle today, mostly on forest service roads moving easily through the landscape. Pines to aspens, open fields of sage, rolling hills, ranches in the distance, snow capped peaks far off, reminding me it will be hard again. Had I gotten started a little earlier, I probably would have been able to hike a 30, but come 6:30 my stomach was growling, there was a climb and waterless stretch, and hell, isn’t 23 miles a good day? The only thing that makes me feel like it wasn’t enough is knowing Beats is ahead by at least 7 miles now, if not more. Which is fine, I don’t need to be around him every second of the trail, but if he keeps pushing 30s and I keep capping at 25s, then I’m really truly behind everyone I like out here and I can’t see how I’ll catch up. I miss Tex. I miss Money. I wanna hang with Cake and So Good, Spider Monkey and Fire Hazard. I want to see how Chefboyardee is doing. Maybe he could fix my shirt. It’s ripped.
On a positive note, as I walked today, I could see a difference in my legs. They are looking strong and have that shape that comes with harder miles. Now if only my belly would go away already.
Day 78, bbq chips & jerky
Hiked 32 miles
A mostly solo day of walking on trail. Sun, rain, wind, rocks, double rainbow.
It felt good to get a big mile day in and to not feel completely drained of energy. Still climbed a fair amount, but just took it slow when I needed to.
Got to camp just before 9pm, so much daylight to take advantage of. I’d rather hike late than get up super early. Got to where I was camping and realized there was no water. I had a liter, but that’s not enough for cooking and drinking so I ate a ton of BBQ chips and jerky for dinner. It was actually delicious.
Day 79, weed gummies
Hiked 11 miles
The day where I hiked in the morning, got to the road around 10:30, landed a ride into town with a rafting guide that later in the day texted me and offered to give me a “back rub”, got settled into the hostel and then ate a weed gummie and went to lunch at a Mexican place with Chefboyardee and Beats. After passing out for an hour or two totally stoned off my rocker, Beats and I wandered around town, had food and a beer, walked down the street with our arms around one another, and talked about how he wants to hike alone but doesnt want me to think he’s hiking away from me.
Day 80, Katie comes to play
Zero Salida and Buena Vista
The day that Katie aka Chaps came to town with her van and we had a delicious brunch and I bought rain pants. We drove to cottonwood hot springs, had the best burger and whiskey in Buena Vista, and then stayed at the Butterfly Hostel near the trail. The host, Shane, and his buddies made fish tacos. Delicious.
Day 81, more rain, going lower
Hiked 20.5 miles
The day that I decided over breakfast that I was going to hike the lower route that the CT offers to avoid storms up high on exposed ridges.
It rained pretty heavily from about 5pm to 8pm, lots of thunder, but I was able to just keep walking through it. I was surrounded by aspen and ponderosa pines. When the sky let up a little I could see that up high, anything over 11k really, there was a new dusting of snow. Hope Beats was able to stay warm and safe. I don’t know anyone else up there right now…well actually there are some a few days in, but they might be to Twin Lakes already.
Now I’m camped near a river, the sound is lovely, but I keep thinking about bears because I’m lower in elevation and there is a bear box nearby…which makes me wonder if there is a bear problem here.
Tomorrow I could pop into town for a burger…thinking about it depending on the weather.
Day 82, a restaurant for every meal
Hiked 14 miles
I didn’t eat anything from my pack today. Breakfast 3 miles up the way from camp at Princeton Hot Springs Resort. Amazing. Dinner at not one, but 2 places in Buena Vista. First a braut and old fashioned and then some Mexican and a marg. Honestly, it all would have tasted better with company. I’m lonesome for trail pals. I want them, but I’m in between bubbles of people and the two people I really like hiking with are not interested in prioritizing a hiking partnership. They’re off doing their thing at their pace with their agendas in mind. I don’t fit into the equation. I don’t fault them for it. It’s how they want to hike. But it does make me long for Beaver, Kett, Burrito, Tom, Bear Box, Biscuit, Rambler, Cheesy, Snacks…the people I met along the way and loved. The ones that loved me back and paired up with me so naturally. I miss them. I want that out here. I’ve had it momentarily, but it hasn’t lasted..
Funny how in the beginning I so desperately wanted alone time and now all I want is to meet someone that naturally grooves with me. I want community. I want someone looking out for me and I them. I want a partnership. I want a small tramily.
Maybe I’m growing tired of planning for me, maybe I want a person. Maybe I’m finally ready to not be solo in this world. I value my alone time, but I’m over it for now. I want to share this experience. I want to be important to someone.
Today the trail was gentle. I slept in. Not planned. Dried my tent in the sun and made my way to the resort for pancakes and bottomless coffee. Yum. The server was so kind to me. So genuinely interested in the hike. A lovely person. I took my time eating on the patio, didn’t feel rushed to leave at all.
About 10 miles into the day, when clouds started forming, I started to consider the option of going into town for dinner more seriously. Then I got sad. Why? I don’t know. Sad because I was alone and that didn’t feel fun. Sad because it didn’t matter what I did…what I did only impacted me. Sad because I wasn’t as hard core as others and up in the high mountains fighting my way through the storms. Sad because, well, I don’t know, I just was. I felt down. I felt like I just wasn’t that badass. That when given the option for a safer and easier route, I do that. Why can’t I be more the type that runs towards the hard stuff? Why am I the one that makes practical decisions?
What else came across my mind as I hiked today? I thought about sex. Mostly about sex and food. Sex I want to have and food I want to eat.
Day 83, settled
Hiked 33 miles (I think)
At some point last night or early this morning I decided I was going to road walk the second day half of the Collegiate East Alternate. It was the bike route listed and I just had a “well, fuck it” feeling. Walked to a coffee shop at 7am. Coffee. Bagel sandwich. Instagram post about the mental struggles I’ve had on trail. Walking by 8am.
I felt settled into my route, not bad, not good, just settled into it. It followed the Arkansas River on a lovely dirt road with beautiful rock formations and tunnels. It was gentle and pretty. I chatted with mom as I walked and listened to podcasts. After about 13 or 14 miles the road ended. I tried to extend it but I kept coming up against private property and no trespassing signs, so I eventually bumped up to highway 24 which required hoping some fences and skirting around no trespassing signs. It had a super wide shoulder and flat dirt to walk on so I took it until road 84, which led right up to the trail as it wrapped its way around Twin Lakes. Lots of rafting companies set up along the main road. I stopped into one around lunch time and had an ice cream bar and a lemonade. Once I got to the lake, about 22 miles into the day, I sat and ate a proper lunch in the dirt like a real hiker. It was about 3:30 and I knew I had it in me to do another 10, putting me in range to get to Leadville a day sooner than planned. I had energy on the climbs, could breath, and felt motivated, so I called the trail house where I’m booked to stay and changed my dates.
The trail, after about 5 miles of following the lake’s shoreline, started to climb up into the aspen groves. It’s really pretty to be in the aspens.
All in all, not a bad day.
Day 84, pull of pals
Hiked 14 miles
I woke an hour later than planned, but wasn’t too fussed about it. Seems to be a theme. Based off of how I felt hiking the day before, I was optimistic that I’d SLAY the 25 miles to Leadville, be done by 4pm no problemo.
Hahaha well no.
I started off feeling strong but could feel an ache in my legs on every accent – the kind of ache you feel the day after you go hard on leg day at the gym. By the time I got half way into the day, I did the math, and at my pace on the climbs with my legs’ increasing fatigue, I would likely not get to Leadville until 8 or 9pm. Not all that late, really. But the pull of time in town with pals was STRONG and dark clouds were starting to form and I just so happened to be at a trail head with a lot of cars and a road that went directly into Leadville. So, guess what I did? Yep. Bye bye trail, hello town.
I got in, wandered town a bit with Money, then went back to my private room at the Colorado Trail House and took an Epsom salt bath in a cute claw foot tub.
Then, I made my way over to Melanzama and hung out with M and So Good for a couple of hours as the crew made new mellies in the back. Got myself a cute new teal one and a multicolored dress.
After that, dinner with Beats, lovely per usual and then a drink with Cake and So Good. It was everything I could have hoped for. Hearing about everyone else’s struggles on the trail really helped me realize it’s not just me. Everyone is in struggle town.
Day 85, a zero I didn’t need.
Zero in Leadville. Wandered. Ate. Spent time with Money. Talked about his sex life. Bought another Mellie.
Day 86, slack pack
Hiked 13.5 miles slack pack
Who doesn’t love a good slack pack? Trying to find ways to make the trail feel more fun, and this was one attempt.
After a quick few hours of hiking and running into Beats on trail and sharing a subway sandwich, I hitched back to Leadville. Quick trip to the post office to mail the mellies home (one to cheesy, too) and then a nap. Post nap I wandered off for some dinner and had something to the equivalent to what I’d eat on a backroads trip. Delicious and fancy. Then, some cute little chats in the bunk house with Chocolate Chip, an Israeli hiker. Not a bad day. Rested and ready to tackle the rest of the state.
Day 87, it didn’t rain
Hiked 23ish miles
All in all, I have no complaints about the day, save the ache in my left knee that persisted for at least the first 10 miles.
The trail house host, Bruce, whipped up some breakfast for us guests and I grabbed a ride back to trail with Erick, a fella out hiking all the 14ers to raise money for nols.
The trail was nice today and it didn’t rain. It didn’t rain! I could see rain all around when I reached the top of the pass, but the sun showed its pretty little face onto my mountain just for me.
I must have seen 2,000 CT hikers today. Maybe 79. I don’t know. There were heaps. A parade of them. And, I might add, a few very handsome dudes. Wrong way my friends. Also chatted up 3 mt bikers for a sec. They were really nice to me and super encouraging. One let me know I looked strong and healthy as I hiked on. Lots of well wishes and genuine smiles.
And then, perhaps the best part of the trail, well maybe a close second to the views from the pass, was the ski resort the trail went through. Burger and beer at 5:30pm. Not bad. I let it digest a bit and around 7 slowly made my way up trail to find a place to camp. Eager to see what these views will be like. I’ll be climbing again first thing tomorrow.
I’m on the Silverthorne alternate to save some time (it cuts off 45 miles) and to truly give myself some space from feeling like I’m crashing in on Beat’s hike. I’m so desperate for friends right now, I can’t handle the needy “please hang out with me” energy I’m putting off around him. I’ll be ahead of him and also quite possibly sync back up with some of the crew I hiked in New Mexico with.
Day 88, comparing to the pct
Hiked 22ish?? I have no idea.
It’s hard to keep track of how far I’ve gone when I’m jumping from one alternate to the next. All I know is I climbed about 5 to 6k feet today, I spent mid day in town (coffee, Wendy’s, rei, more coffee), and now I’m camped way up high and I liked it all.
My mind was active this morning. Thinking of friends and family I love. Thinking about this trail and the PCT. Comparing the different ways I feel about them. Why did- wait. Why DO I love the PCT so much and feel so little love for this trail? I like it, but I’m not in love with the trail. Why? The only difference I could come up with, and this is true for the AZT as well, was people and love. On the PCT I was partnered both times. The first with Tom. The second, a loose partnership with Snacks and with Burrito. On both I also had what felt like a trail family fairly early on and I also held deep love for the people I was hiking with and felt it in return. We connected. They wanted to hike with me. I laughed hysterically often. I was deeply connected to people and also had ample time to connect with the trail on the second hike because I found my hiking style. This trail. The CDT and the AZT. The missing link has been partnership and that consistent feel of community and connection. It’s come and gone. Maybe without that component, I will merely just like a trail. Face it’s challenges. Work hard. Appreciate it’s views. But I won’t be in love with it. It’s missing that human element that I need to reach bliss and also to have some fucking fun.
Day 89, hard trail hard weather
Hiked about 13 to 16 miles?
I was all gung ho on hiking 20 to 25 miles today, but the trail had other plans.
Got my ass moving around 7am and assumed I’d get some quick miles in because the elevation profile showed a lot of down hill. Well. No luck. Top speed was 2mph today. What the hell?! The trail was often faint and slanted, which took time to navigate. Sometimes I’d lose it entirely for a second and have to reorient myself. Any climbs in the day were steep and challenging, too.
After about 9 miles or so I got to a dirt road that would climb me back up to the official CDT and there was a fella and his dog there in an atv. He was just chillin, looking up at the sky. After some chit chat, he grabbed his truck and drove me up the road to the trail in all of its 12,500 foot ridge walkin glory. Down in the valley I saw storm clouds forming and thought if he got me up there I might be able to beat the storm on the ridge and get more miles in. No joke, the second we got to the top, the clouds closed in and the rain and wind started. Pretty quick after that, lightning. So many strikes. Weather showed the storm passing in 2 hours, so I went back down to the valley and waited it out in his cabin. Jay, the fella I’m talking about, was super nice. I ate some toast, played with his dog, chatted, drank hot coco. And then at about 6:30 I bopped back up to the trail and hiked for about 2 hours. I’ve got 60 miles to go to get to the next town, I’d really like to do it in 2.6 days so I think I’m going to have to force myself to get up EARLY just in case more storms come in mid day. Need to get as many miles in before that.
I saw 5 moose today, one bald eagle, a bunch of marmot, a pika, and a grouse. Guess which on made me jump? Stupid dumb grouse.
Day 90, why do I even set an alarm
Hike 18 miles
It’s 6:50am. Alarm was set for 4:30 so I could be hiking by 5:30. I’m in my tent still. Maybe I should just accept that I will never be able to be the early riser hiker type when I’m on my own. I just don’t get up. Granted, I did take a benadryl late last night. My nose was so plugged. I thought it was allergies at first but now I’m thinking I caught something from Chocolate Chip when I slept in the dorm room. He was all plugged up and sneezy but kept saying “I’m not sick, I just got super wet and cold on the last stretch.” Hate to break it to ya, plugged up nose and sneezing isn’t a side effect of being chilly, it is some sort of virus or cold that came about because your immune system was so shot from what you just put it through. Duh. So now, I have a bit of a cold. Not bad, my nose is clear this morning, but it was impossible to breathe last night.
Looking ahead, I think I’ll aim for a 20 mile day today. It would put me at the base of a climb. And then tomorrow, if the weather is in my favor, I should be able to hike a 30. The trail looks forgiving and drops down to 9k! Woooo! I get so excited when I see lower elevations on the topo.
I was thinking about how I felt less alone the last 3 days even though I was completely alone and I figured out why. In choosing to go on a route where I knew I would not be hiking with anyone, I did not feel “left” or behind. I was the one that did the leaving. No one was ahead, I was on an alternate. There wasn’t that feeling of knowing where other hikers were and being sad they weren’t with me because I was the one that left and followed my own path.
Being back on the red line does feel good and holds some promise of fun times with other hikers. I’m excited/ curious to see who I will come across.
…
Just after writing that, Brown Streak, Maverick, and Squashie walked by, chatted, and now I’m camped with them. I’m camped with people!!
When I got to highway 40, about 8 miles into the day, I got a ride with some locals finishing up their hike to Winter Park because I can’t pass up a town. When they dropped me off I ran into Snow Cone, a hiker I had met briefly in Chama. She is getting off trail for a week to get back into the right headspace. Seems to be a theme for us out here. Anyway, she came and ate lunch with me. I had a hatch chile burger and a beer. Ordered a veggie burrito to go for dinner on the trail and then we went over to the ice cream shop. 2 servings of coffee gelato and hot fudge later, I made my way to a coffee bar located inside of the cutest little gear shop. 3 hours later, I was back on trail after having scored a hitch from the cutest 26 year old boy that grew up going on Backroads trips with his family. Small world.
The actual hiking today, yeah, it was really really lovely. Two big climbs. One in the morning, one after lunch. I took my time, I mean I worked hard but wasn’t mad that my pace was only 2mph. The views were incredible. The second climb took me right up into the clouds. Once I made my way down the other side of the mountain, I was completely engulfed. It actually messed with my equilibrium because there was nothing to really tell your brain where you were. Add my vestibular issues to that and it was a bit of a doozy. Without visual input for balance, I’m relying on a broken inner ear and my feet. But I made it just fine. The descent was all rocks, granted the trail work was incredible- miles of rock paths through a steep boulder field all while engulfed in a cloud. It wasn’t too cold, but it was eerily silent. Eventually, once I got onto more solid ground I put on some Radio Head and went to a dreamy place in my mind. Walking while in that dream space is one of my favorite things about being on trail. My relationship with N was heavy on my mind for some of it but it felt good to follow the pathways my brain pulled me down.
Day 91, broken ankles
Hiked 23 miles
When it takes from sun up to sun down to get 23 miles in and you didn’t really take big breaks, you know you worked hard. I was surprised. When I first looked at the day ahead on the maps I thought 26 would be easy. But, in true form, the CDT had other plans. Sure, there were sections with minimal climbing, but it was cross country travel on rocks and clumpy grass that grabbed at your ankles. Sure, there was plenty of downhill, but it was steep and rocky. And then there was a section with thousands of blow downs to climb over. For real, thousands. Maybe more? This for once isn’t an exaggeration. Started the day with a climb up to 13300, a really beautiful 380 view, but it took me almost 3 hours to climb 4 miles. The last mile up was nearly an hour. 1000 feet in a mile. I was practically crawling. Not sure if it was because I didn’t feel great and had to blow snot rockets every minute or it was just hard.
At one point, when I was really fed up with the trail’s attempts at breaking my ankles, I scrambled down to a dirt road I had been paralleling for a few miles to walk a half mile without cursing the trail. When I got to the trailhead where the road met back up with the trail, I sat down on a log to take a breather. A popular trailhead so it seemed, there were a handful of cars and some people looking at the trail signs. This group of women started asking me the typical questions you get asked, and with how cranky I was it took everything in me to answer politely. I didn’t want to talk about how many miles I was walking or how heavy my pack was or the fact that yes, I was hiking the trail by myself. I wasn’t anti-chatting, but I just didn’t want to answer the questions. I was tired. Hungry. Didn’t feel good. But very quickly the questions stopped and the ladies started giving me drinks and chips and cherries and we had a really jolly conversation. They were the sweetest ladies. A crew of friends from all over come to acclimate before they attempted to climb a 14er.
Interacting with the ladies boosted me a bit, the cherries and the chatter gave me some fuel- which was good to have because shortly after I left them I entered into a stretch of trail with more blow downs than I’ve ever seen before in one spot. I put gloves on and my rain pants and gave it a go. Timed myself even because folks were commenting in guthooks about their FKT through the blow down. It was almost fun. Almost. A bit of an obstacle course. Fortunately, trail crews had been through and had little tags on the trees that needed to be cleared, because otherwise it really just was this massive area a half mile or more wide and miles long with every single tree in sight down and mangled. The wind can be so powerful.
Day 92, we’ve got lakes
Hiked 22 miles
Made it into Grand Lake around 5pm with Brown Streak, MacGyver, and Squashie and we went straight to the Tavern patio for greasy food and drinks. Being in company with other hikers felt great.
The hike today was gentle. Easy even. But humid. The sticky heat had me covered in a nice little layer of glossy wet.
I listened to an audio book for most of the day as the trail descended down to lakes and moved in and out of the trees. Probably ate the equivalent of a plate of spaghetti in spider webs. I walked solo but took two breaks with the kids I mentioned earlier, one with my ass sitting in the cool lake inlet waters.
When we were about 4 miles out from town we grouped up naturally and walked in together, chatting here and there and then having a stand off with a moose we named Kevin just outside of town. He would not get off the trail for nothin.
My room here is adorable and I want to stay and enjoy it for daaaaays but I must press forward. Tex is a day behind me, Beats is about to catch up, Money is 2 or 3 days back now, Cake and So Good are about a day, maybe half a day, behind. There are still some ahead that I know and like. It feels good again. I don’t feel like I’m just in the rear, far away from everyone I enjoy. The possibility to run into friends is everywhere again. I like that.
Day 93, a riff
Grand Lake zero day
Packed up and readied myself to check out of my room in the morning unsure of what the day held. Would I hike out? Camp? Get another room? I didn’t feel great.
I saw on insta that Beats was rolling into town. How the hell he already caught up is beyond me. He is pushing such big miles through the hardest terrain. Texted him to offer a shower before I checked out of my room. Nothin. Ouch. He’s OVER me. We ran into each other later in the day. Didn’t have the best conversation. In short, he totally feels smothered by me. But it’s super sad because the attention I give him isn’t any more heavy handed than what I give to Money or Tex. I give my friends my love, my encouragement. I offer showers. I tell them I miss them. I book rooms and offer beds, buy them beer and pizza if they’ll get in after close. But Beats doesn’t get to see that so he thinks all the attention is extra for him and it’s freaking him out. He knows I really like him but he doesn’t know I’m like this with all of my chosen people. He feels smothered by me even though we aren’t hiking together right now. That’s so sad and also feels wildly embarrassing. Embarrassing because there probably is a different energy coming through my actions. A neediness. A wanting. I know it’s there, I felt oozing out of me in Leadville. HIKE WITH MEEEEEEEEEEEE I NEEEEEED YOUUUUUUUU. Yeah. I get where he is coming from but I’m also mad that it got to this point, that he didn’t say something sooner before it felt this gross.
Ultimately, I booked another room because I still felt like crap when check out time rolled around. Had reached out to Cake and So Good. They were down to push big miles and share the room. Gave them a heads up that I maybe had a bug. Then, Brown wasn’t feeling good and MacGyver also was still down for the count. So, the room ended up being a good thing. Lots of napping all day. Pizza to go. Seems as though a bug has been spreading from hiker to hiker. There are a handful of us sick up and down the way. Fortunately the room had two separate bedrooms so Cake and So Good didn’t have to sleep in the same room with us sick ones. It was so fun to see them roll in late at night after pushing big miles. Hand over two big boxes of pizza. A 6 pack of beer. Hear all about the whens and wheres and hows of the trail for them.
Day 94, audio books silence the mind
Hiked 20ish miles
Starting the day in town with espresso is always a nice way to start the day.
Hung with So Good and Cake a bit. Packed. Readied myself. Started walking around noon on my own. Cake and So Good took a much deserved zero. Brown took the day slow, he still felt like shit. When you can get about 20 miles walked by 8:30 starting at noon, you know the trail is becoming easier. I still feel a little sickness running through my body, so I’m happy I got as far as I did.
There was one little section that was really pretty, but otherwise it was a lot of forest with dead trees from beetle kill or fires. So I listened to an audiobook to pass the time and to distract myself from my brain and thoughts around feeling like an idiot and sad. The irrational side of my brain never wants to be loving and vulnerable with anyone new ever again because the risk of being misunderstood and rejected is too great. The rational side says: take a breath, you’re ok.
Day 95, my multiple personalities
Hiked 25.5
If you heard my thoughts today, which were infrequent because I listened to a lot of podcasts, you’d think I had multiple personalities:
I hate this trail. I’m not having any fun. Why am I doing this? Should I quit? Just hike WY and save Montana for another year…actually hike with friends? I’m so over huge solo adventures. I’m ready for partnerships, companionship. Enough of this doing it by myself bull crap. I miss my friends. I miss my family. O now that’s a pretty view. Oh wow this water is so cold and refreshing. Well would you look at that, I came all the way from that mountain top to this one. Wow. That’s pretty epic. That takes some strength. Damn. Look at my legs, they look good. Lean. Long. Strong. Can’t wait to see what another month of hiking will make them look like. O man I hope I don’t see Beats for at least a month. I’m so embarrassed about my neediness. What if I don’t sync up with anyone for bear country? Fuck I can’t hike bear county alone. Hmm. O wow the sun looks crazy with all this smoke in the sky. I wonder if there will be more fires in Montana? I can’t quit now. I still want to lose more weight. 15 pounds down, 10 more to go. Wait. Where’s the trail? Am I lost, oh, whoops it’s way up there, how’d I miss that? O the sun set looks so nice! O man what a view. Guess I’ll camp here. Dammit so many dead trees. God if a tree fell on me in the night would anyone find my dead body?
Day 96, cruisin’
Hiked 15.5 miles
I’ll tell ya, it felt good to look at the time and realize I hiked 15.5 miles averaging 3.5 mph. Give me some more of that!
The flies and mozzies and gnats were all competing for my ear holes and nose holes. That part was wildly annoying.
Into Steamboat in the afternoon with plans to hike out the next day.
Day 97, my two pals are back
Zero in steamboat
Time with Tex!
Woke up, grabbed coffee, and met Tex at 8am. Like no time had passed. Good and lively conversations. Rebooked the room and decided time with friends was more important than blazing forward. Later, I had brunch randomly with Eldorado and Bud while Tex napped and lounged on his zero. After wandering the town for a bit and picking up a free replacement part for my tent, I randomly ran into Beats and Eldorado. We grabbed margs. They came up to my room. All of us hung out. They did laundry and showered. Nice chill afternoon. Giggling in the safeway with Beats at 9pm was comical.
Beats and I talked. He reached out to me when I was out on trail yesterday. Said he wanted me in his life and we could figure out how to be friends, that it doesn’t have to be all or nothing. Said he had been in his head, uncomfortable, upset. We worked it out. The beauty of communication. All embarrassment gone. All air cleared. Apologies made. Points of view explained. It’s interesting to look at my reaction to feelings. The gut reaction is to run away from the feeling, to wallow in the embarrassment and avoid avoid avoid the person. But simply taking some time to reflect and then honestly and openly communicating- I mean it’s so simple and really can change the course of any friendship that easily. I was glad he initiated the conversation, it’s good to have the air cleared and to reset the friendship.
Day 98, packed to go, but stayed.
Zero in steamboat
Time with Beats
Breakfast with Beats after an early run to the post office and saying ta-ta to Tex as he hit the fire closure road walk. Fully planning on hiking out further north where the road was less busy. Checked out of the room. Packed up. Bacon bloody Mary. Sweet potato hash. Espresso. Yum. Slowly began leaning towards one more rest day. Beats asking to hike out together. Why not? Way more fun than going solo. Hair cut. Donuts. Kind people in town saying nice things to us. Hot tub at the hotel. Resupply. Nap. Dinner at an amazing Thai place. The curry was the best I’ve had in years.
Day 99, the Cabin at the end of the road
The most fun road walk with a cabin and teepee at the end and time with Beats and Tex.
I woke up to Beats coming back into the room (he had gotten up early) greeting me sweetly. We packed our things and met our ride out to the safer part of the fire reroute road walk and started huffin our way up the road. We listened to music on Beat’s speaker and our moods were good. Just this good happy vibe in the air. An hour or two into walking we came by the cutest little country store with a post office and cafe inside. So of course we stopped and got sandwiches. I filled out some post cards and helped Beats craft an email for a post trail job application and then after some ice cream, we hit the road. 10 miles or so later, we popped off the road to take a break under a tree and an older man in a truck pulls up and asks if we wanted any beer. We enthusiastically said yes, he says “be right back!” and goes off driving down the dirt road we were next to. 10 minutes later, he reappears with two tall cold beers from his house and then drives off again. I mean, people can be so generous. What the hell?!
After a solid break, we walked some more and came across a tavern. Say what? Real food for dinner. Just as we were getting excited about real food, a blue truck pulls over and flags us over to ask where we planned on sleeping. We gave a vague answer and then he offered to put us up in his teepee or cabin. With it’s own pond. And showers. We had planned on hiking more miles, but how in the hell can you say no to that? You can’t! I’m glad we didn’t. We had dinner and then made our way over to the cutest little cabin I ever did see. And then Text caught up! He pushed forward on his road walk and didn’t take time off again in Steamboat. It was so fun. So much fun!!
Day 100, laughing our way out of Colorado.
Hiked about 24 miles
Party hike to the border with Tex and Beats. Later along the way, Junk Cart joined us. One of the best days on trail hands down. The boys took acid and, even though I wasn’t tripping, our energies matched. We laughed all day. Listened to music. Got good miles in. Stopped at a country store for chocolates and sodas. Fresh bear tracks in the dirt. Got to the border in the dark together, happy as could be. Hiking! Miles! Friends! New State! Got a fatty?
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Great content! Keep up the good work!