Feb 15 At the beginning again
mile 7.4
Got here. Long day to get to the trail. Convinced an Uber driver to take 100 cash and drive me to a town closer to the trail. Saved me the hassle of a rental. Then hitched. It took about 20 mins to get a ride from El centro. Then got a third ride from the second car to pass me near Campo. And here I am. Alone in my tent. Shy of 7pm.
There’s water everywhere. Huge storm yesterday and the hills are dripping. Frog sounds all around me. Pretty sure I saw cougar prints or a big dog. Yikes. I’m the only one out here. No other tracks except for mine. What a difference from being here in April. I’m lonely for Snacks. For Pepe. For Tom. The memories aren’t as strong this go around. But they’re there. I’m reminded of how in love I was. How this trail grew that love. Am I going to be capable of hiking this much this alone? I’m not sure.
All I can hear is my ears ringing. It’s frustrating when all I want to hear is the wind and the frogs and the flapping of my tent. I’m worried about being cold. Another cold storm is due in two days. I might need to get a room. I’m not sure that my bag can handle temps way below 30. I really hope I meet people on the AZT. I met a boy at the bishop hostel. A PCT boy and a lover of beer and hiking. It felt nice to be held by him and I felt pretty. He seems really interested in me. I’m not sure how I feel quiet yet, but he’s cute, kind, and very comfortable to be around. I enjoyed his company. It was nice to be wanted for a change and he was pretty open about the fact that he liked me and had from a distance for a while. But here I am. Alone on the trail. Feeling out of shape. Just having a pack on your back is work out enough. Then add hiking. Add climbs. Very eager to feel fit again. To not notice the weight of the pack. To feel like a machine.
Gotta stick with this even if the loneliness breaks me.
Feb 16, less fun, just as pretty
mile… 20.2 hiked
In bed contemplating a room at a nearby inn tomorrow. Huge winter storm coming through might be a bad day to hike. I’ll decide tomorrow. Felt good hiking today. Left foot hurts when I move my big toe around. Hmmm. Burger at lake Morena. No hikers. Just me. Still hiking a solid 3 mph pace but feel more tired on the uphill than when I’m fit. It’ll come. I loved this trail. So much. I still do, but it’s different being out here alone. Less fun, just as pretty.
Feb 17, cabin retreat from the storm
mile 42, 14.4 hiked
Got going by 7:30, just as I was about to take down the tent the sky opened up. Soaked. But I was already wet to begin with. Decided to go for it and get to Mt Laguna before the snow got really going. Weather said around 2pm it would really kick up, and it was right for once. About 7 miles up there started to be snow on the trail with the last 4 being pretty covered, cold, and windy. I kept looking for my bail out plans should it just get too bad to move forward but it kept being just OK enough to push on. The thought of an actual building to sleep in and real people to talk to kept me moving forward, and I’m glad I did. I would have been hunkered down in a pretty big storm shy of the town and from the looks of it, maybe would have had to turn back. I’m not sure I’ll be able to hike out. Snow might be too deep. Might hitch? Decide on that when the time comes.
Spent the day moving, breathing, no music. Remembering little and a lot at the same time. Few details about conversations but big memories around feelings. The feeling of falling in love with the trail. Of being incredibly thankful for my life. That still echos true. I’m unable to believe that I actually lived out here. That I set one foot in front of the other for months. That that was me. Twice. And here I am now. And somewhere else in the future unknown to me. The mystery. The beauty of it all hits me in the gut, leaving me without words. I step in places my exact foot could have stepped before. Just a small step, seemingly so unimportant and yet part of such a huge transformation and journey that I couldn’t have understood then and hardly can now. My body. I had so many about my body and none of them were about being fat because that isn’t a thing here. My body is a machine. It works for me and moves me forward and upward and it’s strong and resilient. I’m overweight but I’m still in great shape otherwise. I’m not falling apart at mile 42 like I was 4 years ago. I still have energy. My muscles aren’t screaming.
Monday Feb 19, sunset highway walkin’
Have no idea how far I actually hiked today because a lot of what I did was on the sunset highway. Too hard in the deep snow on my body. Got my favorite view and section of trail done though. And it just made me feel sad. So sad. I saw no one today. The road was closed and it was just me and the world. Still no interest in music. Just me and the sky and my rapidly changing feelings. It was a hard time to be present. I kept revisiting the past. I’m camped where Tom and I took a mid day siesta. Where a rattle snake was in the bushes next to me as I woke. Just after my first on trail whine fest because my knees hurt so bad on the down hill and it was so hot and no shade and I wanted to stop stop stop but we kept going looking for the perfect spot to break for the afternoon. So different in the snow. In the cold weather. I hardly drank any water today. Not good. My body is fine. My left foot aches some. But otherwise, good. Will I be able to handle all 800 miles of the AZT alone? At least I won’t have memories of falling in love to battle.
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